Sorry to not reply sooner. Weekends are busy, as I’m sure they are you. You and my wife have a lot in common. While she has loss issues, you have more abuse issues, but for both of you the root of your problems lies with men. My wife could also be considered a man hater, I’ve thought of her this way myself. Her problem is that she never received the attention and respect she wanted from her dad. Her two older brothers received that. Her mother didn’t have time for her because she went on to have three more kids. I think she was angry at the lack of attention, so when her parents fought and her dad hit her mom, she took her anger out on her dad. I read somewhere that these “abandoned” or neglected children can become angry. This seems to make a tough contradiction to over come. I think my wife hates the person she wants to feel loved from the most.
I remember her telling me that when she found out her mother was dead, she felt the grief, but also a huge sense of relief coming off her shoulders. She later came to realize she had some anger toward he mother for not being stronger and more competent and allowing herself to be so dependent on men.
By the way, I’m really sorry to hear about your past. I can’t imagine living in a horror like that. You show a lot of strength in the way you reacted to your step dad. But you also sound like a rescuer, trying to make everyone happy to keep the peace. I know when things get tense around here, I want everyone to de-escalate before things get out of hand and a huge fight breaks out. I know I can’t tell my wife what to do so I tend to get on to the kids to behave. I think my wife does some of this. This is essentially rescuing behavior, but I am also mad at everyone else for starting up a fight.
The one thing I wish I could get through to my wife, and I’ve told her this before, is to stop blaming me for what her father did. If she wants revenge, then go take it out on him, but stop attacking me for something I did not do. That only makes me angry and when I’m mad, its hard to feel compassionate for her. I know that what I ask is difficult for her, but there is not alternative, and I won’t pretend to be big enough to keep taking it forever.
