I'm glad I was able to help. I felt a little bad the other day when I seemed to upset you. Sorry about that.
I'm not meaning to press this if you don't want, and I'm willing to accept your explanation about your mom, but the reason I mentioned it is that I too felt the same about my mom. She would give her life for us kids, she tolerated a lot for us, what with all the fighting with my dad, and I truly believed she was the most loving, sacrificing mother a kid could have. But I now understand that she was/is very dysfunctional, very selfish in many ways and very controlling. This was probably one of the most difficult things for me to see and still one of the most difficult to accept.
My wife had a similar situation with her mother. After her mother dies, the kids had to go to court for something dealing with the estate (I’m not too clear on this). But I do remember her saying the judge told them all to go see a counselor because they had some false idolization of their mother (I hope I’m getting this right). She ultimately came to see some of the faults of her mother, but I don’t think she has thought through all of them. I believe these uncovered issues still play a major role in her intimacy issues.
If your mothered married someone like your step dad (and stayed married to him) then she HAD to have some major dysfunction to find him remotely attractive in the first place. And for her to allow you and your siblings to endure such abuse says something about her (though I don’t know what). I am sure you love your mother and have no ill feelings toward her, but you could still have at least some lack of respect for her or a feeling that “I will never let myself get into a situation like her.”
I do not say this to offend you in any way. It is very difficult, but I cannot imagine that your mother hasn’t had some effect on you. Maybe she considered herself something of a martyr, as you say, sacrificing for her kids, a role you are emulating. Maybe you had some anger with your mother for staying in that marriage, and you feel the same way in yours? But your husband is not your step dad so maybe the feelings you have toward men are just conditioned responses from living in a war zone for so many years.
Detachment is a way to deal with pain. I think Blackfoot said something about pain creates fear which creates anger which creates defenses which creates dysfunction. Detachment is the dysfunction, so going backward, detachment ultimately comes from pain. But the defense masks the pain. What I am saying is I think you could have some great pain buried down deep that is still affecting you and your marriage. I have no idea what it is or if it is truly there, I just suspect it could be. Your step dad is the obvious demon, but your mom is culpable too. (I know, ouch. Sorry.)
