In my last thread dancing with my devils. I address the fact that my step dad is one of the two basement dwellers within myself from my past that seem to have lasting effects into my adulthood. Though I did address the past relationship I did not really put out there much regaurding my step dad. And my feelings about him. Maybe I should address it. My step dad is the one person in my life I cannot ? well I do not know the word forgive is not it. Lets put it this way the one person who's negative impact on me I can not overcome. Who I cannot try to see in a different light? Something of that effect. My step dad is the most mean and angry person I have ever known.
So saying that this desire seems to come from anger with your mom for depending on your step dad seems too obvious.
I have no anger at my mother. I know that sounds odd but no one I have ever known has endured as much hell out of love for there children as my mom did. No one. With my older sister and my mother and grandmother my love for them is as unconditional is it is for my children.
Could it be that your husband was “abandoned” as a child Not in definition but in theroy yes. His mother played games with the father over the kids when they split up. And the dad got tired of it and backed away from the kids. And even though he was favored by most of his Aunts and Uncles and grandparents. His mother seemed to favor his older brother which breed a sense of competative air between them.
But more then anything from what his step dad has told me. His mom created her boys to be dependant. She poured there baths,not only dished out but cut up there food and various other things well beyond a age that they should have been capable to this for themselves. When I met my H his mom still cut his toe nails.
And you were attracted to him since he was someone you could nurture, giving you a sense of control you never had in such a chaotic home?
Though I don't know if I agree with the statement. Your statement about giving me a sense of control I never had just made me realize something regaurding how long ago I started detaching from situations and maybe some of how it started. When I was younger dinner time was hell. My father would start dinner was never good enough, served soon enough or was ready to serve to soon what ever. It was always something. And he would fly into a rage. Everyone else would leave the kitchen. My mother would run for cover from my step dad to there room which he would stomp back and forth yelling at her. And my sister would run for cover in our room. I would sit and the table and continue to eat. Not that I was not bothered not that I wanted to continue to listen to his [censored]. Just that I refused to give in to him and his stupidity. This was night after night. Week after week year after year I found away to detach myself so his actions and my mom and sisters reactions did not affect my reaction to his raving on and on. And every night I sat there in my defiance of him it became easier and easier not to care about his outburst and the easier it became to over ride my want to just tell him what a [censored] he looked like. I had learned to disassociate myself from the situation.
Thank you. I have with the help of others been looking for a means to where my detachment began though out my life. And what may have been the cause of it. I think you may have just helped me stumble across some answers.
