I have actually been giving a lot of consideration to your comment of positive breeding positive. And am looking for things I should appreciate in my H that I may overlook or cancel out with a negative.
I plan on doing something out of the norm today. I am going to go get my H a thank you card. Based on my home project turned bad floor experience. Monday while I was at work my H replaced the part of the floor I had to tear up last week. And since a card of any sort is out of my nature I thought it would be a nice surprise.
I have worked on a little bit of a list of things maybe I can show more appreciation for.
1. My H always attends the boys sporting events when he can. (In the past I have focused on the fact he stands on the sidelines telling people what to do as if he is the coach. I need to focus more on the fact that he attends which is more then some childrens fathers do and appreciate that).
2. My H is almost always willing to run errands for the household so I do not have to. (In the past I have focused more on how long it takes him and that I feel he takes so long so he will not be asked to do anything else. I need to just say thank you and let it go).
3. My H will get up in the morning to wake up the boys. So I can sleep in.
4. My H will cook supper a few times a week on his days off If I do not want to. (In the past I have focused more on the fact he leaves the mess for someone else to clean).
5. My H will help do housework at times.( In the past I have focused on the fact if he does a load of laundry he takes what is in the dryer and throws it on the couch instead of folding it. But I should appreciate more the fact that some men never even start a washer or wash a dish).
So not much of a list and maybe not great things. But maybe if I start here it will grow into more. And maybe it will give him some form of reassurance that he needs to some degree. But I do think that I may have stopped looking for positives and only saw the negative for the last few years. Which is why I cannot connect on any level with him.
Now the need thing. That one is maybe harder for me then the appreciation. I never think of needing someone. In my warped way I guess I have never allowed myself to need many people in my life. Maybe that is why I detach so I don't need them. Needing someone empowers them to you. I have a real hard time even with the fact my H has been supporting me for the last year and a half. And I find ways to bring in some form of income even if it is not a lot so I am not completely dependent on his support. Since I have not had a income I really have spent no money on myself. I have bought no shoes no clothes nothing but what is a must have item like deoderant and girly things. The few new things I have gotten my D has bought me as gifts. I buy household items but they are not for just me so I can reason those into not me personally taking from his income. All the things my H does for me like making me a cup of tea to the support I know I can do myself. If I wanted/had to so I don't view it as need. I will ponder this and see if I can come up with anything that I can think of my H provides me with that I could not take care of myself.
I am just thinking of little ways to work on the marriage,
And I appreciate all the help you and the others give. I know sometimes how I view things and state them can come across as offensive like my comment of my H acting like a woman. I know some may have been offended that I refered to his whiny neededness as being womanly. Not every woman is this way but we have all seen woman who act of this nature. And though men obviously have these traits also they are socially more thought of as female traits. (You know us and our inability to control our hormones lol). And in truth when I blurted that out to him I was sick I was drained and I was being pissy. I was not DBing I was being cutting towards him.
The dog reference I loved and yes that is how I feel towards my H to a T.
D18 brought a new dog home with her. Against my wishes but I find though I dislike the breed I find myself drawn to play with and carry it around. I may keep it when she leaves lol.
