OK…here is my story. Please do not jump all over me. I am very sad and confused over this mess. I never thought my life would be like this.
I have been married for 15 years. My husband and I got engaged 5 months after the love of my life and I broke up. We were only supposed to break up for a little while – it was supposed to a “breather” before we got engaged. I was only 19 at the time. Unfortunately, the right mix of pride and stupidity got in the way and we did not get back together. My ex was the most passionate and romantic man I ever knew. He would leave me notes, send cards, flowers, call me on the phone and sing. He could not keep his hands off of me. Looking back, I know he was the one that got away.
While broken up, I got close to my (now) husband. Things progressed quickly and we were engaged within 4 months of dating – that would be 5 months after the love of my life and I broke up. I will never forget the look on my ex’s face when he saw the ring - to this day it haunts me. I never got over him. To top it all off, my parents sucked. They were not there for me, they never have been and never will be. They have a bad marriage, and they had no business having children. My mother especially made my life hell, and my father never really spoke to me that much except to criticize.
I got married at 21 years old. My SSM troubles began right away. Looking back, there were many red flags that I missed – I was an inexperienced, heartbroken little girl trying to piece her life together. BTW getting engaged on the rebound is a BAD idea. We only ML once on our Honeymoon. We abstained for 1 month before the wedding to make it more”special”. We ML 2 nights AFTER the wedding night! After that, I remember always trying to initiate and always getting rejected – he had a headache, a bellyache, etc. One comment that stung in particular was when I climbed into bed naked and he said “You’re killing me” (because now he felt obligated). I spent many nights awake and on the couch. I don’t know why I stayed. I thought his behavior was my fault – I thought I was ugly, not a good housekeeper, not good enough, etc. etc. He swore there was no one else and he swears he’s straight.
When it was baby making time (yes, I was dumb enough to believe that babies would fill the void in my life), I remember saying “Now you have to ML to me”. It sickens me to think that I even had to say that. I have since turned off my sexual feelings towards him so that I could not be hurt. I also do not seek him out for a kiss or a hug or anything. I feel that I have to do this so that I won’t get my hopes up. He has mentioned that I should try again. I can’t bring myself to. I am very resentful.
He is a good man in a lot of ways. He has a good heart. He helps me get the kids ready for school. He helps with the dishes, he goes food shopping. He supported me through a career change. He is a very good friend and roommate, but I can’t bring myself to say lover.
He is also very negative. He sees the cup as half empty in most cases. Obstacles cripple him. I am the opposite. I grew up in a tough situation and I made it. I seek happiness and the positive side of things. He is cranky and snaps at the kids a lot. He is critical of them and I think his expectations are too high.
He has also displayed some behavior that makes me think twice. For example, he would always get the new car. I drove the kids around in a beat up old car. I did not have health insurance until I got a job that offered it to me. He had it through work – the policy did not cover spouses – he was related to the owner! Whenever I had an idea to go out and do something, he usually said no. If something needs to be fixed in the house, it will stay broken for a looooong time (this is also how he solves problems). He is not a go-getter. He would rather sit on the couch and live in a falling down house than get off his a** and fix it! I do more maintenance work around the house than he does! His family was also very mean to me for many years and he never jumped to my defense.
He is also immature about sex and sex talk. He uses silly names. I am fed up. We start MC next week. We will see what happens. I want to be with someone that can be a man –macho but not a jerk. Basically, someone like my ex.
I'm not going to jump on you, but I do have some questions.
Why have you stayed in this M like this for 15yrs? Why are you just now going to go to a MC? What type of work does your H do (just general)? What is your H's background like? (parents, history etc) What do you want out of your M? What do you hope to achieve in MC?
Thanks GEL for not getting on my case. : ) Here are your answers:
Why have you stayed in this M like this for 15yrs? I don't know. He is the kind of guy that people would think I was crazy for leaving. I don't think we ever had any chemistry. I always try to make the best out a bad situation. I guess I'm done putting up with it.
Why are you just now going to go to a MC? Because the sitch is affecting the kids - they are acting out. They need to have 2 loving parents to make them feel secure and that's not happening here. What type of work does your H do (just general)? Finanicial stuff. He does not make a lot (surprisingly) but he is very dedicated to the job. What is your H's background like? Parents divorced when he was almost an adult, they are friendly towards each other. The family is not a warm, loving one. What do you want out of your M? I want to be madly in love with someone. I want a passionate relationship. I want to feel like I am loved. If it's not going to happen in the M, maybe I can find it somewhere else? What do you hope to achieve in MC? To sort out these feelings and this situation. I don't think he gets it - and yes - we have talkd about this. He knows how I feel. i think he knows I have one foot out the door. He has initiated ML since the talk. There has been no affection outside of the bedroom
BCB- welcome aboard... sorry you have reason to be here. Your story is like so many of ours-- with variations-- and is heartbreaking, like many of ours.
Do you think your H is interested in a deeper closer marriage (with more sex)? A book many of us have read is Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It does present some practical suggestions, but both people have to be willing to make changes.
I won't sugar-coat the sitch: you've got a tough row to hoe, and it may not be row-able. I used to have a psychology teacher in gradutate school and he said you need three things for a successful marriage: caring, commitment, and chemistry.
It sounds to me (and I'm just flying off the seat of my pants here) that you H has never been taught what a loving R is...going off of what you said his parents are like. It's very possible he's modeling what he knows. FYI, this can be changed....my H is changing in this way. But, you have to be VERY clear what you need him to do...and your MC can help you to communicate that in a way to him that won't be misunderstood....and that it won't come across as nagging.
Right now there's a very good chance that everything you are telling him may come off as nagging at him. I tried every possible approach with my H to get him to understand....and later found out that no matter what I said, no matter how I said it...it came across as nagging to him...that is until the lightbulb went off and he finally understood.
If you never had chemistry with him to begin with though that may be tough. That's not to say that if his behavior changes to a more loving one that you won't greatly improve your M and find what you are looking for...that could happen.
It's going to be difficult though, this process takes time, there's going to be LOTS of rough spots....and you will find you will have lots of changes you need to make too, this isn't going to be all up to him. You are going to have moments of clarity where you see things you've been doing too, and behaviors of yours that will need to change. All these things are doable though, so try to take heart in that.
Can you give us an example of a convo where you tried to explain to your H what it is YOU need? That might help us point out to you some ways you could communicate to your H more clearly....we women have a BAD habit of being too vague
It's hard to say what he wants. His words and actions don't match - not in a malicious way - I just think he's clueless. I think the because I never really got over the ex, that I expected my H to be just like the ex - that was the standard that I was used to. On the other hand, the H is not a very passionate man. He is not passionate about anything - he's very passive.
And to answer your question - I think he is happy not having a lot of sex.
GEL ____________________________________________________________ Can you give us an example of a convo where you tried to explain to your H what it is YOU need? That might help us point out to you some ways you could communicate to your H more clearly....we women have a BAD habit of being too vague ____________________________________________________________
Me - I can't live like this anymore. I want a more passtionate relationship. I want you to grab me when I am cooking and tell me that I look nice or that you were thinking about me today.
H - I do think about you.
Me - I am so resentful about the times you pushed me away
H - Try me again
Hopefully, the MC will help me to unlock some of the places that I locked him out of. Speaking of MC, he almost had me cancel because the first person we called to watch the kids was not available. He doesn't get how important this is. He is not one to fight for his princess (maybe that's because I never was a princess in his eyes).
