OK…here is my story. Please do not jump all over me. I am very sad and confused over this mess. I never thought my life would be like this.
I have been married for 15 years. My husband and I got engaged 5 months after the love of my life and I broke up. We were only supposed to break up for a little while – it was supposed to a “breather” before we got engaged. I was only 19 at the time. Unfortunately, the right mix of pride and stupidity got in the way and we did not get back together. My ex was the most passionate and romantic man I ever knew. He would leave me notes, send cards, flowers, call me on the phone and sing. He could not keep his hands off of me. Looking back, I know he was the one that got away.
While broken up, I got close to my (now) husband. Things progressed quickly and we were engaged within 4 months of dating – that would be 5 months after the love of my life and I broke up. I will never forget the look on my ex’s face when he saw the ring - to this day it haunts me. I never got over him. To top it all off, my parents sucked. They were not there for me, they never have been and never will be. They have a bad marriage, and they had no business having children. My mother especially made my life hell, and my father never really spoke to me that much except to criticize.
I got married at 21 years old. My SSM troubles began right away. Looking back, there were many red flags that I missed – I was an inexperienced, heartbroken little girl trying to piece her life together. BTW getting engaged on the rebound is a BAD idea. We only ML once on our Honeymoon. We abstained for 1 month before the wedding to make it more”special”. We ML 2 nights AFTER the wedding night! After that, I remember always trying to initiate and always getting rejected – he had a headache, a bellyache, etc. One comment that stung in particular was when I climbed into bed naked and he said “You’re killing me” (because now he felt obligated). I spent many nights awake and on the couch. I don’t know why I stayed. I thought his behavior was my fault – I thought I was ugly, not a good housekeeper, not good enough, etc. etc. He swore there was no one else and he swears he’s straight.
When it was baby making time (yes, I was dumb enough to believe that babies would fill the void in my life), I remember saying “Now you have to ML to me”. It sickens me to think that I even had to say that. I have since turned off my sexual feelings towards him so that I could not be hurt. I also do not seek him out for a kiss or a hug or anything. I feel that I have to do this so that I won’t get my hopes up. He has mentioned that I should try again. I can’t bring myself to. I am very resentful.
He is a good man in a lot of ways. He has a good heart. He helps me get the kids ready for school. He helps with the dishes, he goes food shopping. He supported me through a career change. He is a very good friend and roommate, but I can’t bring myself to say lover.
He is also very negative. He sees the cup as half empty in most cases. Obstacles cripple him. I am the opposite. I grew up in a tough situation and I made it. I seek happiness and the positive side of things. He is cranky and snaps at the kids a lot. He is critical of them and I think his expectations are too high.
He has also displayed some behavior that makes me think twice. For example, he would always get the new car. I drove the kids around in a beat up old car. I did not have health insurance until I got a job that offered it to me. He had it through work – the policy did not cover spouses – he was related to the owner! Whenever I had an idea to go out and do something, he usually said no. If something needs to be fixed in the house, it will stay broken for a looooong time (this is also how he solves problems). He is not a go-getter. He would rather sit on the couch and live in a falling down house than get off his a** and fix it! I do more maintenance work around the house than he does! His family was also very mean to me for many years and he never jumped to my defense.
He is also immature about sex and sex talk. He uses silly names. I am fed up. We start MC next week. We will see what happens. I want to be with someone that can be a man –macho but not a jerk. Basically, someone like my ex.
