Just caught up on your thread. Ya know, I've checked in from time to time and have seemed to missed all the posts about the abuse and fear and H's behavior, and had no idea it's been a year and a half.
When I say you are doing great, Heather, I mean it. You are doing a lot of introspection, thinking things through and putting in a noble effort towards your M for your family.
I think your question about whether you should be in your bed or not is actually not the underlying issue, Heather. The real issue is the entire pattern of this R. And I am quite concerned, to be honest.
Tell me more about this abusive behavior. Is this new or has this been going on? And it is absolutely about control with him. He is using the A card to try to maintain control. He is not attempting to put back together a M.
Heather, you need to decide what your boundaries are in this. What type of R do you want to be in? Honestly, I'd say that the boundary ought to be that you want to be in a M in which both partners work on it, and I'm not seeing much of that going on.
I know he says little things, holds your hand, etc. but he is using this A card to maintain distance and control you. And I imagine any abuse is about control, as well. I seem to recall telling you that he was not respecting you by having sex with you but refusing to kiss you or let you sleep in the bed. I must say the disrespect he displays runs pretty deep.
Heather, I think you need to seriously evaluate if this is going to improve. What were conditions like pre-A? Were they the same overall with his controlling and abusive behavior? You need to decide what it is you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't. And determine if you think he is moving towards what you consider tolerable or not. And I think it would be very reasonable to sit down with him and let him know that you acknowledge that you made a very very poor decision and hurt him in the process of that. That you would take it back if you could, but you can't. That you will no longer be held hostage by this mistake. That you are hoping for a quality family life for your kids, and that includes having healthy parents in a healthy R. That you are more than willing to respect his point of view and to consider his needs. However, that you as a person have your view and your needs as well, and the A does not diminish them. That there are some issues that you possibly both see differently, and that it is ok that you do not agree...no one is right or wrong, and it is not about that. However, for this M. to work, you both need to learn how to deal with those differences without it becoming a win and lose situation and that means you will both have to put in efforts to consider the needs of each of you equally. That a M. is about a partnership, and in a partnership that means both parties are equal.
I would use that as a stepping stone towards dealing with the issues you feel undermined about. And try to be fair. Be fair to him. Be fair to yourself.
Heather, if he refuses to work with you on this, then you cannot fix this M alone.
I'm sorry my words aren't more encouraging, but this is ridiculous Heather and you do need to make some choices about what you will and wont accept in your life and for your children. And see if he will meet those boundaries or not.
What is my opinion about where you sleep? It doesn't matter what my opinion is. It matters if that is a boundary for you or not. If it is a deal-breaker or not. Obv. you won't do it forever, I'd hope. But I do not see it as the main issue here. You can use it in bulleting what issues you have though, and see if he is willing to make steps towards progressing to a healthier R or not. And maybe he is, but at a very slow pace. Maybe he isn't. Maybe what he considers acceptable is not acceptable to you. Heather, this is a tough choice, but ultimately you have to decide if you plan to stay in a M. without effort from him or not. And if not, what amt. of effort from him is nec. for you to stay? What is healthy for you and your kids? It is your decision in the end.
I really wish you well, and would love to chat more with you about this as you process what it is you consider to be acceptable and what you don't, etc. You've got some thinking to do, dear.
I am sending you a big hug. I am sorry this is so difficult. And you are a wonderful person. And all of us who have been cheated on, forgive you Heather. I hope you have forgiven yourself. Don't be beat up by this anymore. What you did was hurtful. But it doesn't make you a bad person and does not justify abuse. Heather, start respecting yourself and determine what you want in your life and if you can have that with H or not.
