Most days, it feels like this is the case. But then he'll do things like tell me he felt like holding my hand but didn't because there's this wall. Heart felt honesty. And the next day we were in a store and he reached out and held my hand. So, there have been some improvements.
His words aren't backed up by consistent actions. His words are therefore rendered meaningless. His main consistent actions are passively hostile most times, aggressively hostile at other times.
You focus on the other times he feeds you the "heart felt" words because that's what you want to hear, and are placing much weight therefore on that. That's not balanced.
Yikes. See why this is such a big decision for me? It could ultimately mean the end of my R if things get crazy. Um, crazier.
If by "relationship" we mean a loving, equal. respectful relationship, then it's been over for quite some time, if it ever existed in the first place.
What you have is a train wreck. It's not truly the kind of relationship one seeks to be in. There were problems before the affair. You had an affair to medicate yourself. OK, so it was the wrong thing to do. Point is, you tried to do something about your circumstances. Then you regretted what you did, came back and tried to repair the relationship, which is you still trying to do something to better your circumstances. Now, after a year and a half, all the while suffering outrageous behaviors by him, being sabotaged in everything you try to do to repair, being belittled and put down and blamed, you're still trying to better your circumstances. Your life with this man constitutes always trying to better your circumstances, but it never works out that way.
