Learning to trust myself III

[Burgbud]

I would appreciate if you could be more specific about the ways you see that I have demonstrated that I'm sorry.

Ask anybody around here what they would want their unfaithful spouse to do to show they're sorry; I'll bet you've done at least 90% of all of it. You have:

• Broken it off of your own accord.
• Had zero contact since then.
• You have shown you believe it was wrong by these actions, and you have said you're sorry as well.
• You've respected his desire to sleep separately. That's perfectly understandable on his part, for awhile. But you have gone way beyond what's necessary to show you're sorry. If he's able to bring himself to have sex with you, there's NO reason he can't sleep in the same bed with you.
• You've respected his desire not to be in your truck. Again, there was probably a time when this was a necessary gesture. Then there was a time beyond that when you were showing how sorry you were by inconveniencing yourself to respect his "wounded feelings". At this point, it's just beyond.
• You have dealt with his refusal to kiss you. Maybe none of the other points show you're sorry as thoroughly as this one. What he is doing with this has now damaged your R more than what you did, IMO.

The only thing left you could possibly do, as far as I can tell, is blatantly grovel for his forgiveness and I DON'T recommend that.

If you read him that list of how you've been sorry he might shoot down every point, saying it's merely what you owe him for what you did. But it's not. Either you're both grownups invested in making your M work or you're not; if he can't accept the truth that's plainly before him, you can't do it for him.


I would like your opinions on how to handle the situation, how to approach it...

Hmmm...gotta think about this some more...my first thoughts are probably too confrontational...just let me say you're doing him a favor by not sleeping there. Him "letting" you sleep there is *not* a favor to you.


...and actually carry it out when and if he starts getting crazy like last time.

How do I handle things if he gets physical or otherwise abusive in an attempt to get me out of the room?

Call the cops. I beg you. That's the natural consequence for those actions.

You're very strong, Heather. Don't let your strength trap you just because you can take it. I know H has good points. I know he's been hurt by what you've done. I give him that. But the bed, the truck, the kissing, and your legitimate fear of abuse? That's not right. You're strong enough to let this go on and on, but I urge you to pick a date and not take it after that. Don't stick around to see how long you can take it. Not everyone who separates gets divorced. Not everyone who lives together is in a real marriage. Separation might not be the end of hope for you; it might be the beginning. It's a last resort, sure. But you've given so much and taken so little, I don't know how many other resorts you have left.

If you have to leave to make your point, that doesn't make you the bad guy.

Can you imagine making this much effort in a different marriage, Heather? How wonderful would that relationship be? That different M could even be with H, but what you've got going right now has got to die.

You've overcome a lot in your life to this point and you've grown tremendously. Your happiest times are ahead of you. Believe it.