Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

(NY) A year and a half of this, huh? Maybe it's time to see it for what it is and move on.

On the other side of that coin, I was reading a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and the author is pretty straight forward and some people may think she has a rather flippant attitude toward divorce. With that kind of attitude, I was surprised to read something like "A year is not long in relationship years..." as it pertains to a trauma of some kind such as an affair. And she mentions five years as one of the benchmarks. So, you can look at the year and a half and go either way with it I guess.

(NY)He talks about resetting back to a former basis, but refuses to do so.

Most days, it feels like this is the case. But then he'll do things like tell me he felt like holding my hand but didn't because there's this wall. Heart felt honesty. And the next day we were in a store and he reached out and held my hand. So, there have been some improvements.

1. Is moving back into the bedroom putting my feelings ahead of his?

No, it's placing your feelings equal to his. He feels he can be there, and so do you.

This is a good way of looking at this, thanks.

3. How do I handle things if he gets physical or otherwise abusive in an attempt to get me out of the room?

Get out and don't look back.

Yikes. See why this is such a big decision for me? It could ultimately mean the end of my R if things get crazy. Um, crazier.

(Jabez) I think that one way you have "respected" him is by sleeping in another room.

Good point. I'm afraid though that the logical conclusion would be that if I *stop* sleeping in another room, that I've stopped respecting him. Not the case. It's just a matter of enough is enough. I struggle with the idea that it is not up to me to say when it's been enough.

(Jabez) I would be careful of the wording here. If you use the term "allow me back in", or "let me back in" I think you give up too much power.

I see your point, I'm assuming you mean only when I'm talking to him. Because in this forum, let's call a spade a spade. If he'd invite me in, I'd be in. So isn't that a matter of being "allowed"? You know how we all say "You can't control other people, only yourself?" It sounds like you are saying that that doesn't apply to my H. Or maybe you don't view it as controlling? How do you percieve it?

(Jabez) It's important that you not take the attitude that you want to sleep in the bed b/c you deserve to (even tho you do), but take more of an attitude that you moving back into the room is a step in healing your R/M and that is what you want to do.

If I deserve to be in the bedroom, why is it that his feelings on the matter have to outweigh mine? And for how long? Is it because I betrayed the marriage and thus gave some of my rights away until he such time as he gives them back? Do you think there is a distinguishment between his right to sleep elsewhere and my right to be in my room?

(Jabez) At some point in time I think that you may come to the conclusion that you can't and don't want to live like this anymore and will want to voice those feelings as well.

Some days it really feels like I'm there. H knows my feelings on the issue. We're thinking about buying a piece of property and building a house. Crazy, right? We're talking about moving forward as though our M was solid as a rock. On some levels, I think he needs to believe that and moving into a house that neither of us could afford on our own (and my willingness to do that) would mean security to him. But I don't even know where I'd be sleeping!!

H can carry a grudge in case you haven't noticed. Who knows how long this could go on. Some days it feels that if it's ever going to end, I'll be the one to end it. Jabez, do you think it's talking out of both sides of his mouth that he will have sex with me but won't sleep in the same bed? Doesn't that suggest that this is NOT about being hurt?? It seems that it is about a principle that H has set and now refuses to back down on even though it doesn't freaking stand for anything. Not anything good anyway. What a mess.