(Jabez) Have you told H that you don't feel respected by him? . . . and turns it back to me "And you've respected *me*?"
I think that one way you have "respected" him is by sleeping in another room.
Is moving back into the bedroom putting my feelings ahead of his?
It depends on how you move back in. If you move in while he is away, even if you tell him, I think your putting your feelings ahead of his. If you start a dialog stating that your goal is to come to an agreement on how and when you can move back into "our bedroom", then your are respecting his feelings. Ask him what it will take for you to move back in.
Should I risk setting back the progress in my R with him? He has told me if I moved back in, he would never step foot in that room again. That's not what I want either.
I may be putting words into his mouth, but I think he was speaking in the context that if you snuck back in or forced your way back in. Have you asked him if he sees a time when he invites you back in to the bedroom. I would be careful of the wording here. If you use the term "allow me back in", or "let me back in" I think you give up too much power. How ever you word it, you have to let him know that you are not forcing your way back in.
How do I handle things if he gets physical or otherwise abusive in an attempt to get me out of the room?
Well, first if he says no, and has no idea of what it will take for you to sleep in the marital bed and is generally resistant to discussion of the idea, then I would think that you have to say something along the lines of "I'm not going force my way in, but I don't what to be sleeping on the couch when I'm retired either." and just let it hang there. I think that way you're voicing your wants, but also acknowledging his feelings.
It's important that you not take the attitude that you want to sleep in the bed b/c you deserve to (even tho you do), but take more of an attitude that you moving back into the room is a step in healing your R/M and that is what you want to do.
At some point in time I think that you may come to the conclusion that you can't and don't want to live like this anymore and will want to voice those feelings as well. Something along the lines of "I really want to get past what happened, I'm asking for you to forgive me. I am sorry for what happened. I want to understand how you feel, what it is that it will take for you to forgive me. I want to know what it is that will help you see that we can have a happy and healthy future together. If you don't believe me, and don't want me, then I don't see much point in us staying together."
