Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

(Mel) Sometimes I think you're fighting it just to prove to him that he's wrong. Does that make sense?

That's not my intent, but I do not deny that there have been and probably still are intense power struggles in our M.

(Mel) I should have gotten the massage

You say that like it's too late...you should get one! I have yet to cry...honest.

(Koshka) What do you mean by "work?"

I mean that it usually feels like this R will always be unsatisfying for me. And maybe H will always be unsatisfied with me. Like we just don't share the same vision anymore, the same lifestyle. If we were doing better, it would really bother me that he stays up so late every night and he's not quiet. To me, I need quiet time at night. I really *need* it. Not the TV blaring until 1:30 am or H working out with him music blaring at 11pm. The difference in our lifestyles has really gotten to a point where it drives me crazy, but to address that right now would be like putting the cart before the horse it seems. On the other hand, maybe not, because you'd think he'd at least respect me enough to be really quiet if he's gong to stay up late. But he can't even muster that. So, that's what I say when it doesn't feel like it will ever "work".

(Koshka) In a year and a half, has it gotten you closer to H emotionally? Has it made you feel better about yourself? Does it make you feel better about your M? Does it at least make it easier to get up for work? Hey, I like looking for silver linings, but that's a joke.

The only thing I could maybe answer 'yes' to is that H and I have gotten emotionally closer...was it a result of sleeping in the guest room or on the couch? Maybe. It's impossible to tell exactly why things have gotten some better. Maybe he sees my willingness to sleep in another room as respect for his feelings and that makes him feel more positive toward me. Maybe it gives him the feeling of control that he needed when he found out what I did. Maybe he sees this as punishment that I brought on myself. I have no idea. But the possibility is there that my staying out of our room has helped our R, if only because it has made him happy.

(Koshka) More importantly, what do you think and feel about it?

I think I can understand his feelings of wanting to keep me out of our bedroom. But I cannot understand the fact that he has actually acted on those feelings for a year and a half. I feel that if he wants to have this family, then he needs to accept this marriage. And to that, he would say "Oh, and that means I have to accept it on your terms right? How convenient for you. You betray the vows in this M, obliterate trust and you get to decide how things go from there". And when he talks like that, I really question the justice of acting on my own feelings. He has a point. But so do I. That is where the power struggles come in. In our M, someone always has to "lose". Someone's feelings always have to be more important than the other's. In my opinion, if he doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me, I will have to respect that. But that means, he will have to decide where he will sleep then, because I want to be sleeping in my own bed.

(Mel) I mean, if you wanted to, if you were wanted there, wouldn't you be there?

In a heartbeat. Fear is the only thing that holds me back. Fear that it will set back the progress in our R and fear that it will begin another round of intense emotional reactions toward one another that escalate to the point of me having to call the police. I have to be prepared for what I will do if he counters my decision to move back into the bed the same way he chose to counter it last time. What will I do? How does a sane person deal with that?? Yes, those are very serious questions, lol. Help!

(Bud) And you've shown him "sorry" in every conceivably important way.

I would appreciate if you could be more specific about the ways you see that I have demonstrated that I'm sorry. Because when I say that I have, H always asks me "How? What have you done?" And I can't seem to come up with anything that doesn't sound miniscule when it is said out loud in comparison with the magnitude of what I did. It makes me sound like an idiot.

(Bud) And I'm pretty sure you know how I feel about the bed situation, but I'd be happy to discuss it again if you'd like

I would like your opinions on how to handle the situation, how to approach it and actually carry it out when and if he starts getting crazy like last time.

(Jabez) Have you asked him point blank, what words or behavior would demonstrate to him that would show that you are sorry?

YES, I have asked him several times. These are a couple of the reponses that I can think of off hand:
"I don't know, but I can tell you I haven't see it yet"
"Am I supposed to spoon feed you how to be sorry?"
"How can you be sorry to me when you blame me that you did it?"
So, that's been a cheeseless tunnel for sure.

(Jabez) Have you told H that you don't feel respected by him?

I don't recall a specific conversation, but I know what his response would be and I know I have heard these words from his mouth, so at some point I must have told him. He acts incredulous and turns it back to me "And you've respected *me*?". If I try to say yes, he will say "You hated me for YEARS, treated me like crap, how is that respect?" And of course, if I say 'no', well what right do I have to ask for something I have not given [in his eyes]?

(Jabez) Have you tried putting it into the light of "I feel like I'm are at a point now were I'd like to move back into our bedroom. How do you feel about that?"

Sort of. Our last conversation about it was probably the most productive. I told him that, although I wish things were different, that I respect his need to sleep separately from me. However, I think he needs to take responsibility for those feelings and sleep where he feels he needs to without dictating where I am or am not allowed to sleep. I can see that my words are perhaps "attacking". I admit I suck at wording things neutrally. Suck. Anyway, he said he can see where that may be a possibility but that we are a long ways away. A long ways. He refers back to needing to get back to 'ground zero' where we were before the A. Then we can consider how to go forward. He denies that anything he does is intended to be a punishment towards me. But then can you tell me why he got very angry and withdrawn when I tried to clean out the room I was staying in? Or why he flipped a lid and accused me of stealing from him (money from the home equity LOC) when I put a door on the room that I am staying in now? I can see lots of places where punishment seems to be exactly what he is doing.

So, the bottom line questions that I need help with are:

1. Is moving back into the bedroom putting my feelings ahead of his?
2. Should I risk setting back the progress in my R with him? He has told me if I moved back in, he would never step foot in that room again. That's not what I want either.
3. How do I handle things if he gets physical or otherwise abusive in an attempt to get me out of the room?