Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

Thanks Mel. Too bad you didn't live closer or we could cry tears in our beers. But only for a little while and then we'd be ok again.

(Jabez) I hope that the love and attention that I am sowing in DD's lives germinates into healthy relationships for them in the future.

I'm sure it will Jabez. If being crazy and demented can ruin your children, then surely being sane, grounded and moral can make them grow happy and healthy.

I had my healing touch session today. It was interesting....relaxing. I think I would have preferred a massage, which I intend to get this weekend Really though, it made me feel very grounded and very loving and accepting toward myself.
Since I've been sick I haven't quite been able to shake myself out of this negative attitude. I feel like I've taken giant steps backward....or perhaps I feel a little like H has come home, but he hasn't.
We had sort of a R discussion Saturday afternoon. He still stands by the idea that I am not sorry to *him*. And maybe he's right. Maybe I'm still too angry to be sorry to him. I'm angry at the way he continues to treat me! I can leave the past in the past, but for crying out loud nothing changes with him, so his disrespect just keeps on goin like the freakin energizer bunny. I mentioned that I will be going to DC on a business trip in December and that it was a good opportunity to talk to someone in particular from our public accounting firm's sister firm about the changing environment in our industry (our accountants have arranged dinner for all of us that night, so I get to talk to him off the record and specifically about my topics) and H said "Yeah, sounds like a perfect opportunity for something else too". Sarcasm. WTF?? And since then (two days ago) he has stopped calling me during the day like he was doing everday. Distance.
I just cannot shake the feeling that this is never going to work for me. This just isn't where I belong. So then I think about just moving on without moving on. Emotionally moving on. So I ask myself, what things can I do to reflect that to myself? And the first thing that comes to mind is moving back into my bedroom. Why does the fact that I am sleeping on the couch or in another room haunt me like it does?? So what, I'm not sleeping in the king sized bed that used to be mine. The couch is actually super comfy. WHY DO I CARE???? I have the feeling that I'm making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be and if I could stop stressing about it, maybe it would change. Sleeping anywhere other than my room just feels too much like a punishment and it is a constant reminder that I'm not calling all the shots in my own life. It would really help to hear different viewpoints on this. Does anyone out there think it would be totally beyond my rights to move back in my room without an invitation from him since it's been a year and a half? Would that be totally insensitive to his feelings? Please help!
I need to DO something. Allowing this all to continue on and on even when he's gone just feels like I'm going to jump out of my skin.
Today, I've had ENOUGH. Maybe tomorrow my resilience will kick in. Let's hope so.