Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

Hey all, it feels good to post! As I try to be super-employee, super-Mom, self-enlightened and fitting in regular exercise, I have found that for some reason my time is limited.

This morning I took a few minutes to just sit quietly. I'll probably try to do that each morning before I wake up the kiddy kats. I am not a person who can exercise in the morning......so I decided to save that for evening and I'll try meditation in the mornings.

Happy Halloween. I don't even wanna know what your kids were...that had to be a cutefest.

Thanks Bud! We did have a happy Halloween. The kids were adorable-Elora was a princess and Tucker was Lord Vladek ( a Lego knight). They had a blast. Ellie had just as much candy as the boys and she went to half the houses. Whoever said looks don't matter was WRONG!!! LOL. I hope you guys had fun as well. I didn't see a post on your thread about it, did your boys trick or treat?

H and I had a very good talk on Monday night. We stayed up very late and some good things were said. I addressed sleeping in the guest room and told him that although I wish things were different, I had no choice but to respect his decision that we need to sleep in separate beds. But I told him if that was the case, that I thought he needed to be responsible for his feelings. That he couldn't say " I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you, therefore you need to sleep in the guest room". Meaning that you cannot make another person accomodate your feelings-you must accomodate your own feelings and I think the way to do that would be to say " I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you , therefore I will sleep in the guest room".

He got a little snotty and said he would never go back in our room again if I did that, and I told him not to get snotty and not to threaten me. That if that's the way it would be, then that's the way it would have to be I guess. I told him for right now, I'm just telling him how I feel about it.

The next day I took off from work and we did some stuff as a family. We were in Toys R Us and he reached out to hold my hand. That was one of the first public displays of genuine affection that I can remember since the A was revealed. There has been a lot of physical contact, but I've attributed it to be of a more sexual nature. Holding hands is just not sexual in my opinion, so it felt like genuine affection.

He left again Tuesday evening. So, I'm back to being single Mom.

My brother called me and is coming to stay with me for a couple weeks to see if he can find a job here, him and his girlfriend would like to move back!! That is awesome, some of you might remember that I was pretty bummed to find out he was leaving to go back to MI. So, hopefully he'll find a job and be living here again soon.

And yes, I'm still running!! I'm not fond of it, but I do it because it's quick and effective. When my brother gets here, I'll probably get to go to karate a lot more than I do now. He will watch the kids for me so I can go. That will be great.

Thanks for checking in on me!!

[heatherg]

What a beautiful day!!!!!! The weather is absolutely gorgeous here (good ole Norfolk, VA). The kids and I went for a bikeride and now they are playing in the sandbox while I sit at the dining room table with all the windows open.

Grandma watched the kids last night so I could go to karate. That's always good. I always make dinner on Friday nights so that when they come over straight from work, they have dinner waiting. It seems like a fair exchange for two hours. Plus they get to spend quality time with their grandkids, it's not like I'm asking them to mow my lawn or something. Although that needs to be done too....just kidding.

My brother should be here anytime. He has a job interview Monday that hopefully will turn into an immediate hire. He is optimistic, so I hope it works out for him. It would really be great if he could move back here long term....not having family around can be depressing.

I always feel such peace when H is gone. He and I are starting to communicate better and that relieves a lot of anxiety with me. But I still seem to be happier when he's gone. When he's here, I like that I have help with the kids and can just run to the store alone if I need to without having to strap and unstrap car seats, etc. Or someone to go to dinner with if I feel like going out (with the kids of course ).
It just seems that somehow a lot of my emotional energy is drained when he is here. Maybe just because we're so much busier when he's home somehow. I don't know.

Hope you are all having a good weekend!!

[koshka]

Heather,

It would really be great if he could move back here long term....not having family around can be depressing.

It sure can. I hope your brother can get the job. Does he have kids? Would you two be able to help each other with child care, as Grandmom helped for you to get to karate? In my folly I had believed that having MIL move up here summer 2004 was going to be a good thing for our M, since we would have someone who could help with some of the household responsibilities, freeing us to have some time together. I never imagined our time together would be in a courtroom!

You sound good. I hope your day continued well.

Thanks,

K

[Jabez]

I always feel such peace when H is gone. . . But I still seem to be happier when he's gone.

Could it be that when H is around you have to DB and DBing is a lot of work? I know that when I get a day or 2 w/no communication from WAW, I seem to be calmer. Today was a beautiful day in PA too! And since DD's were w/WAW, I mowed the lawn! You sound good. Stay there.

[heatherg]

(K) hope your brother can get the job. Does he have kids? Would you two be able to help each other with child care, as Grandmom helped for you to get to karate?

My brother got the job. He starts tomorrow. That's great news for him. There are still some loose ends that if he doesn't get tied up, I can see it causing problems, ie. mileage reimbursement. Maybe I'm just being skeptical. Either way though, it looks as though he is preparing to stay in this area even if this particular job doesn't pan out.
He doesn't have kids. He's younger than me. But he's usually really good about keeping them for me for a short while so I can go to karate.

(Jabez) Could it be that when H is around you have to DB and DBing is a lot of work?

That's a great question Jabez. It could be. Hmm.

D2 has had the flu, so I've been up during the night changing bed sheets, etc. Poor little thing. She hardly ever eats....she's so little. I can get her to eat a few bites of something, but rarely does she eat a good "meal". Stinker.

[heatherg]

After D2 got over her flu, S5 got it. And guess who got it right after that?! I wish I could say I'm back to 100%, but I'm just not. Worst part is definitely over, but am still feeling weak, tired and sore. Oh yeah, and sorry for myself. Can't forget that! It was just really, really hard to care for the kids while I was sick and it got me thinking that H has hardly ever been there for me when I've been sick, he's almost always been out of town. I just want to know he cares, ya know? For ME, not just because of the impact my sickness is having on the kids. Oh well, can't get blood from a turnip I guess. I just need to accept things as they are.

My feelings are causing problems for me though. As usual when emotions get involved!! I'm hurt that he didn't express much concern for me. When I'm hurt, I get angry. It makes it difficult to exercise patience with the path my M seems to be on. It makes me want to move back into my bed and say @@ck you. Of course, none of that would be good for my M.

I know we all get restless with the seemingly snail's pace in which these situations seem to operate. I guess I'm feeling it today.

[Jabez]

I know we all get restless with the seemingly snail's pace in which these situations seem to operate. I guess I'm feeling it today.

Being sick and tired makes it easier to be sick and tired of your sitch. Let those feelings out here so that you don't end up backsliding in your DB efforts! Picture that stop sign!

Here's your Get Well Card: Hope you're feeling better soon!

[heatherg]

Thanks Jabez. That is probably wise advice. And as for your get well card....thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts. Kind words have a tendency to make me cry lately!!! Sigh. Thank you again.

[NYsurvivor]

Kind words have a tendency to make me cry lately!!!

Heather, would you mind sharing why that is so? I ask because my ex wrote that a recent validative email from me brought her to tears, so I just wanted to get an idea of why she'd be in such an emotional state.

Also, I'd recommend you read "Men Who Can't Love" by Carter and Sokol. Parts of your life together seem as if they come from the pages of that book. may help you understand him better.

[heatherg]

I guess because I just feel so insignificant in my life with H that when someone says something nice to me, it feels especially good. In general, I have a deep need to feel understood. H and I disagree on so many things and it seems that the more I show my needs, the more he refuses to give. I mean, even just today he asked how the kids did this morning but he refuses to ask me how I'm feeling and how I'm holding up. I expressed that last night was difficult (on the heels of everyone being sick) because I had to help S5 cope with a constipation problem (the joys of being a mother ) and it was just frustrating (if it's not one thing, it's another). I'm not stupid, I don't need to be told that this is what being a parent is about. I know that. I hate to even express thoughts like these because I feel selfish. I just want a safe place in the world with someone that I can confide in, i.e. I just didn't feel like being a Mom today and not be judged for it because that person would know and understand how deeply I love my children and understand the statement for what it is, being momentarily overwhelmed. I don't have that with H, particularly where our kids are concerned. He just doesn't get it why I would need to be a 'woman' in addition to a 'mom', and why that 'woman' likes to feel taken care of and protected sometimes too.
So, to answer your question NY, when someone actually hears what I am saying and validates it, I just feel, well, good. And then I don't feel the need to keep saying it in a multitude of different ways because I know I've been understood. And that I was important enough to listen to in the first place. Imagine that.

I suppose for you, if your WAW feels at all like I do, her comments would be a good thing for you. Because it means she's emotionally deprived which doesn't say good things about the status of her R with OM.