Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

My counselor said that 2 years is pushing the outer limits and she would not recommend that I let it go farther than that. Two years was the goal I set. I decided that because even though it has been over a year since the A, most of that year has been spent with each of us pitted against the other. June 10 was supposed to be the date we appeared in court, so it has not been that long that things have been better. And, in all honesty, that is probably due to the fact that he has been gone, travelling for work for the majority of that time. And, even sooner than the court date, it has only been since about Aug 1 that we resolved our problem where I am now once again allowed to take my own children to daycare when H is home. If you can call it 'resolved'....H went out of town, so he had no choice and when he got home he didn't push to resume taking them. So, three months since our last major disagreement/fight. That is not very long.
And I mentioned the idea of setting aside a time to discuss the A so that we can try to get some of the actual problem out in the open instead of always dealing with the non-issues. I really feel that this is necessary, but since I mentioned it, he has been travelling so I haven't had a chance to actually try to implement the idea. As soon as he gets back, I will start that process.
My thoughts are that maybe some real healing can occur then and maybe we'll be able to move forward.
After all of this, if things still have not changed much, I think I will just have to do what I need to do.
Two years will be July. My counselor seems to agree that this has probably gone on too long, but she also commended me for acknowledging that most of the time has been spent in unproductive fight mode. Not much healing takes place in fight mode. I think we have gotten out of fight mode, so now it is my job to push forward with more positive stuff.

[heatherg]

NY and Anna-

Thanks. It is a big deal in my M, unfortunate as that may be. I do believe that I deserve to be there. I also believe that if I'm not the one to eventually put myself back there, that I will resent him and myself for allowing someone else to be 'in charge' of me.

So, I know I have to do it, and like NY said it won't be easy. The time is just not right yet. My impatience and indignance would be driving me if I did it right now and I need to make sure that I am completely comfortable with myself and my reasons when I do it. So, I've come up with the plan above so that I can feel that I've done what I needed to do and moving into my bed will be a continuation of that. It will also be easier to detach at that point because if our R goes S after that, it will be easier for me to accept that I've done all I can....if it finally ends and it ends bad, well then, there's nothing more I could have done.

[NYsurvivor]

so it has not been that long that things have been better. And, in all honesty, that is probably due to the fact that he has been gone, travelling for work for the majority of that time.

I know you probably feel a bit irritated whenever I mention "rationalization", but then, you do tell me to go on, so I'll go on.

The thing about rationalizing is that the events we derive our rationalization from are based in reality, so it seems to us as if that's the way it truly is.

For example, Matt has been travelling and hasn't been around, so obviously, there hasn't been opportunity to truly work on things with him. That's the real event, but does that truly mean that nothing can happen during that time to improve the realtionship?

He's away on business, but you know what? Being apart from you also affords him the perfect opportunities to reflect on himself and you and, if he's given to really making the marriage work, that self-reflection ought to lead to noticeable changes. There are probably points of contact while he's away, such as when you two call each other, where you may determine if changes are occurring. There's also email, letters, cards, whatever, that can be corresponded and again where you may see indications of his self-growth. He's away on business, but he's not in suspended animation.

And I mentioned the idea of setting aside a time to discuss the A... As soon as he gets back, I will start that process. My thoughts are that maybe some real healing can occur then and maybe we'll be able to move forward. After all of this, if things still have not changed much, I think I will just have to do what I need to do.

Good plan.

if it finally ends and it ends bad, well then, there's nothing more I could have done.

Well, yes. But do get rid of your indignation and other ill feelings, so that you don't sabotage your efforts. Approach this with a clean canvas so to speak.

[Burgbud]

I think we have gotten out of fight mode, so now it is my job to push forward with more positive stuff.

Good luck! I'll be thinking positive stuff for you.


...if it finally ends and it ends bad, well then, there's nothing more I could have done.

It is so. But right now I'm thinking positive stuff for you, so I'm not thinking about that.

[Burgbud]

One more thing for you, Heather...I'm reading NYS's CP book (He's Scared, She's Scared) and came across another definition of "rationalization":

...rationalization is a defense mechanism. It is a method that people employ to make unreasonable, or irrational, behavior appear reasonable. In other words we use it to explain away behavior that doesn't always make sense...

In other words, Tracy-logic.

BTW, I got the impression that NYS wasn't necessarily saying that you rationalize your own behavior, perhaps more that you rationalize H's behavior. But only he knows for sure.

[heatherg]

BTW, I got the impression that NYS wasn't necessarily saying that you rationalize your own behavior, perhaps more that you rationalize H's behavior.

That's possible, although I was mostly responding to NY's comment below:

You rationalize what you do, Heather.

...rationalization is a defense mechanism. It is a method that people employ to make unreasonable, or irrational, behavior appear reasonable. In other words we use it to explain away behavior that doesn't always make sense...

That definition is even more offensive, lol.

We all have reasons for the things we do. Perhaps my behavior is so irrational that I have to rationalize it. I just can't say that I see that in myself. I have a very abnormal situation here that I have to deal with in the most logical manner I can because it's my reality. I analyze things. Perhaps too much. But I don't think I lie to myself or try to make things different than they truly are.

I am too defensive. I think it's because I'm sensitive and I care what people think about me. I can take criticism pretty well from people that I know respect me and care about me. Sometimes it's hard to take it in this forum because I can't tell if the above criteria have been met, does that make sense? Either way, I value each and every post and have to accept that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Even me!

For example, Matt has been travelling and hasn't been around, so obviously, there hasn't been opportunity to truly work on things with him. That's the real event, but does that truly mean that nothing can happen during that time to improve the realtionship?

Our telephone conversations are pleasant. Some of the discussions we need to be having are too heavy for telephone though. And I always feel more content when he is away because his drinking and his schedule and his night owl habits aren't in my face all the time. So, it's not reality for me when he's gone. Reality for me is when he's here irritating me to my wit's end. So that's what I mean when I say we've been getting along better but only because we're not in each other's faces. It's pretty hard to piss one another off when we only get to speak for 20 minutes a day. It would be ideal if his absence made him reflect upon himself and he returned home with a whole new respect for me. It's not likely. This travelling thing is nothing new for us and he's yet to return with any profound behavioral differences.

But do get rid of your indignation and other ill feelings, so that you don't sabotage your efforts. Approach this with a clean canvas so to speak.

Yes, this is definitely a problem!! In KLA, Michele mentions that many people think they have to have 'loving feelings' to work on feeling closer to their partner. She says it isn't so. But what if you quite nearly hate your partner?! I don't always hate him, only a certain side of him, certain qualities. When that side is out, I hate him instantly. And yes, I consistently sabotage my own efforts. I seem to be able to tame the ill feelings, but as soon as I see that side of him, it all comes back. I'm just not sure how to stop hating the things I hate. Or maybe I just fake it till I make it here? Maybe it's unrealistic to expect that all the bad feelings will go away, but I need to work on my actions/reactions so that I don't give it away? Getting rid of ill feelings and starting with a clean slate is a tall order for me apparently. Can you talk more about what you had in mind when you said it? I agree I need to try.

Thanks guys!

[koshka]

Heather,

In KLA, Michele mentions that many people think they have to have 'loving feelings' to work on feeling closer to their partner. She says it isn't so. But what if you quite nearly hate your partner?! I don't always hate him, only a certain side of him, certain qualities. When that side is out, I hate him instantly. And yes, I consistently sabotage my own efforts. I seem to be able to tame the ill feelings, but as soon as I see that side of him, it all comes back. I'm just not sure how to stop hating the things I hate. Or maybe I just fake it till I make it here? Maybe it's unrealistic to expect that all the bad feelings will go away, but I need to work on my actions/reactions so that I don't give it away?

Hatred ain't the opposite of love. Indifference is. If you have strong feelings for H, then maybe you can turn them positive.

What are some specific things about "that side?" Can you view them from another angle, to see if they're some kind of positive in that light? If it's drinking, well, there's not much to do for that. But if he pays too much attention to the kids and too little to you, can you think of that as him being a good Dad? You still need to get your needs met, but maybe the KLA techniques will help bring him around, and in the meantime you try to look for positive views where you can.

Keep your sense of humor. You'll need it for all of this.

Thanks,

K

[Jabez]

Hatred ain't the opposite of love. Indifference is.

WOW! Last winter I was getting telephone coaching from the "Break Free From the Affair" website and the coach said the exact same thing! I forgot all about it!

Thanks for posting this K.

[heatherg]

Hey all, hope everyone is having a good weekend. I'm feeling particularly good today!

It's probably true that hatred is not the opposite of love....I can see where love and hate get very close to that thin line as one starts to all of a sudden dislike and eventually hate the same qualities in someone that they initially loved.

The qualities in my H that I hate are his drinking habits, his reluctance to communicate (for instance just sitting and doing nothing while I clean instead of telling me he's had a rough day and would prefer to relax tonight), his disrepect for me which is displayed multiple ways, his double standards, his refusal to treat our marriage as though it is a priority in his life and his lack of support of me as a mother. That about sums it up I think. Do you see any positve there? I'll keep looking.

In the meantime, I started running this week. I've known I need to get active again. It's funny, well not really, but I've only gained 7 lbs in the last 5 years and had two kids within those 5 years. Not too bad if I say so myself. However, my muscle tone isn't what it used to be and when I run, I jiggle in places that didn't used to jiggle. Yikes. So, I need to do something about that for sure, lol. I feel much better already and it's only been 4 days!!

MIL offered to watch the kids last night so I could go to karate. That felt good. It was a very active class with lots of stretching, jumps, rolls, kicks, push ups and sit ups. Then today I made banana bread and am just sitting around the house playing with the kiddy cats. Tonight we go to get our pumpkins and we'll probably go get ice cream after that.

I hope most of you out there are feeling as great as I am today!! Love you guys!

[Burgbud]

Hey Heather! Happy Halloween. I don't even wanna know what your kids were...that had to be a cutefest.

I'm glad you had a particularly good day; did it carry over? I thought of your post today because although I didn't feel as good as your post all day, there were a lot of times when I did. I could get used to this "letting go" business.

Running and karate? You've got a month or two before swimsuit season, but maybe it's best to get a jump on the holiday feasts.

Hope your week continues to go well! Drop us a line when you've recovered from the kids' sugar rush.