Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

BTW, I got the impression that NYS wasn't necessarily saying that you rationalize your own behavior, perhaps more that you rationalize H's behavior.

That's possible, although I was mostly responding to NY's comment below:

You rationalize what you do, Heather.

...rationalization is a defense mechanism. It is a method that people employ to make unreasonable, or irrational, behavior appear reasonable. In other words we use it to explain away behavior that doesn't always make sense...

That definition is even more offensive, lol.

We all have reasons for the things we do. Perhaps my behavior is so irrational that I have to rationalize it. I just can't say that I see that in myself. I have a very abnormal situation here that I have to deal with in the most logical manner I can because it's my reality. I analyze things. Perhaps too much. But I don't think I lie to myself or try to make things different than they truly are.

I am too defensive. I think it's because I'm sensitive and I care what people think about me. I can take criticism pretty well from people that I know respect me and care about me. Sometimes it's hard to take it in this forum because I can't tell if the above criteria have been met, does that make sense? Either way, I value each and every post and have to accept that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Even me!

For example, Matt has been travelling and hasn't been around, so obviously, there hasn't been opportunity to truly work on things with him. That's the real event, but does that truly mean that nothing can happen during that time to improve the realtionship?

Our telephone conversations are pleasant. Some of the discussions we need to be having are too heavy for telephone though. And I always feel more content when he is away because his drinking and his schedule and his night owl habits aren't in my face all the time. So, it's not reality for me when he's gone. Reality for me is when he's here irritating me to my wit's end. So that's what I mean when I say we've been getting along better but only because we're not in each other's faces. It's pretty hard to piss one another off when we only get to speak for 20 minutes a day. It would be ideal if his absence made him reflect upon himself and he returned home with a whole new respect for me. It's not likely. This travelling thing is nothing new for us and he's yet to return with any profound behavioral differences.

But do get rid of your indignation and other ill feelings, so that you don't sabotage your efforts. Approach this with a clean canvas so to speak.

Yes, this is definitely a problem!! In KLA, Michele mentions that many people think they have to have 'loving feelings' to work on feeling closer to their partner. She says it isn't so. But what if you quite nearly hate your partner?! I don't always hate him, only a certain side of him, certain qualities. When that side is out, I hate him instantly. And yes, I consistently sabotage my own efforts. I seem to be able to tame the ill feelings, but as soon as I see that side of him, it all comes back. I'm just not sure how to stop hating the things I hate. Or maybe I just fake it till I make it here? Maybe it's unrealistic to expect that all the bad feelings will go away, but I need to work on my actions/reactions so that I don't give it away? Getting rid of ill feelings and starting with a clean slate is a tall order for me apparently. Can you talk more about what you had in mind when you said it? I agree I need to try.

Thanks guys!