Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

The house was pretty and the land was beautiful but there were things that I didn't like that would need to be changed. I'm not paying that much money for a house and then have to "change" things, lol. H sounded disappointed that I didn't like it. I have wanted to move for a long time because our house is just too small, but in the past H would never entertain the idea. But oddly, now he seems ready.

I see my counselor today. I haven't seen her in about three weeks. Since Bud suggested that I sleep in the marital bed if I want to, I've been thinking about that quite a bit. There are two things holding me back. One is consideration for H's feelings. The other is fear. Not fear of upsetting him or disturbing the balance in our R. Fear of what he will do, how he will react. I am afraid of him. I don't think he'd hit me or anything like that but I'm afraid of the abuse nonetheless. He didn't have to hit me last time either, but it was one of the worst memories I have to date. From that experience I learned that one does not have to hit to be abusive. I still have a scar and I'm scared to do it again.

Regarding considering his feelings, I feel that I have considered his feelings. In fact, I've put his feelings ahead of mine all along on this issue. How long is long enough?

Ideally, I'd like to tell him that I need to sleep in the marital bed. I feel that I have given him space and consideration and I will still honor his feelings if he does not want to sleep in the same bed as me and I will support his decision to sleep elsewhere if he so chooses.

The Dance of Anger has pointed out that this issue is really *my* problem, not H's. It's not H's problem because he is happy with things as they are. If I have a problem with the sleeping arrangements, then it is my responsibility to address it. I cannot blame him. I cannot change him. So, I have to change myself. That means I have to change where I sleep. He can sleep where he wants, but he can't make *me* sleep where he wants.

I understand his feelings, he has been hurt and disappointed and his outlook on certain things has probably been changed forever. If he does not want to sleep in the same bed as me, I have no choice but to validate that. But he has to make those arrangements then, he cannot dictate that someone else (me) has to accomodate his feelings.

Now to think about a plan. Timing. How I tell him.