Learning to trust myself III

[Burgbud]

And you know what? Maybe he feels that he can change the behaviors that contributed to my going outside of the M, but he cannot change me from being the kind of person that would do such a thing, which is also NEVER justified. What do you think?

First, I think that even though both things are NEVER justified that doesn't make them equivalent. Second, I don't believe he thinks that because he hasn't shown me any signs of changing his behavior. Third, if he did think that, he'd be exactly right, and that makes my point. He has done *nothing* to influence you to be the kind of person who wouldn't have an affair, but *you* have. You stopped when you were doing it because you knew it was wrong. You've been working awfully hard to help your M become one in which you won't be in a vulnerable emotional state. You recognized it was a problem and have been working to overcome it. That's a healthy response to an unhealthy behavior. Given your willingness to change your behaviors to make it easier for him to change his, if he was willing to recognize and try to rectify his problematic behaviors, you guys would be well on your way to a great M. Until that time, your changes will only impact his actions to a certain point.


But even that R requires more from him than he's giving right now.

How so do you think?

If you were a single mom and were looking for after work help with the kids in exchange for room and board, would you hire him? Or would you hold out for someone who shows you more respect?


I think that the A I had was a deal breaker for him, at least in the short term. I think that he would have reconsidered over time. But because of the kids, he couldn't bring himself to break the deal.

Too bad for him. If the A was a deal breaker he should break the deal. If not, he needs to suck it up and deal with reality. Kind of like how I really shouldn't date as long as I'm not willing to give Steff the boot, even though I don't feel like that's something I can feasibly do. Too bad for me; I have to deal with the consequences of my decisions. Likewise, he doesn't get to go around with a "poor me, look at what I have to put up with for the sake of the kids" attitude, making your life miserable when he wants to. He has to make the effort to make the situation he's chosen work for everybody involved. If he's not willing to leave, you have the right to his respect while he's there.