maybe if you change your behavior you can avoid a repeat of him putting his hands around your throat. But you can't change him from being a person who would put his hands around your throat under certain conditions
Very true. Gosh, how depressing. Really though, I think it is the heart of why I cannot say I love you to H.
And you know what? Maybe he feels that he can change the behaviors that contributed to my going outside of the M, but he cannot change me from being the kind of person that would do such a thing, which is also NEVER justified. What do you think?
I think that the A I had was a deal breaker for him, at least in the short term. I think that he would have reconsidered over time. But because of the kids, he couldn't bring himself to break the deal. I really believe that if we could have gone through that process, he would have come to the realization that he could forgive me. Now, he doesn't have to. I think we both needed to "choose" each other again, I see that as a crucial step in this process.
Right now, we are rebuilding trust. He has to trust that I would not go outside of our M again. I need to trust that......I need to clarify what Heather needs. I am reading the Dance of Anger and that book is awesome. Every page, I think to myself "THAT'S me!!" The book talks quite a bit about taking the focus off of the other person and put feelings back into "I" statements. I'm horrible at "I" statements. "I" don't know who Heather is or what she needs. I know what I don't like. But can't quite get to what I do like. Probably because it never mattered. But it needs to start mattering to me. And maybe I haven't given H a fair chance to give me what I need. Maybe.
And you should try different things and see how they affect H.
This can get really scary. I need my DB friends to be there for me!! I'm afraid to rock the boat. I need to get unafraid. But first I need to clarify what I need and want. Then I need to convey it. Then I need to give him a chance to absorb and react. Then I need to consider boundaries and re-evaluate what I want/need vs what H is willing to give and what his wants/needs are. Easier said than done!!
Just don't expect that he's going to react to you like a healthy person would.
In the past, I knew his reactions would not be what seemed "right" to me and I let this deter me from really trying. Maybe if I can get the courage to try and really put it out there and just let his reactions be his, maybe things can change. I'm a scaredy cat
Your mini-A is water way under the bridge by now.
Before I can declare it water under the bridge, I think I have to follow through on my invitation to openly discuss it at established times. This invitation was put on hold by the fact that H had to out of town again. If we can get to the point where we can discuss it rationally, that will be great. Right now, it's just an elephant in the room. Maybe if we can make it real and discuss it and I can validate his feelings, then it really can become water under the bridge.
I see your point though, eventually, it has to become water under the bridge. I just don't think the time is yet. I have to open the door first and let him know it's open. Then I have to prove it's a good thing by responding in the ways I know he would want me to-just validate, don't justify, don't blame, etc. We haven't done that yet and I think it's absolutely necessary. We'll see where that takes us.
If you want to sleep in the marital bed, then from now on that's where you should sleep.
OMG, just reading and thinking about his actually got my heart rate up. After the above step takes place, which will be a process, I will have to consider this. But, fortunately for me, lol, that time is not yet. Last time I tried to sleep in the marital bed...well, I think I posted about it already. Let's just say he scared the hell out of me and I still get upset when I think about it. At some point, I think you're right though, a decision has to be made. We cannot continue forever in this semi-marriage. It either is or it isn't. But it will get ugly if it has to come down to this. Trust me.
If he's happy having just a live-in, co-parenting R with you then good for him. But even that R requires more from him than he's giving right now.
How so do you think?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
