Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

Wow, there's a lot of stuff here that I'd like to respond to.

And you still don't see how you rationalize things?

First, NY, your opinion that I rationalize. At first, I just ignored the statement because I don't agree and didn't really want to get into a discussion about it. But since you've mentioned it again, I'd like to tell you how I'm interpreting your words and see if the way I hear it is the way you meant to say it. The way you used the term, seemed to me to refer to an action taken on my behalf that is different than what others on this board are doing here, and something that I need to work on. To me, it seemed pejorative so [honestly] I looked it up in the dictionary. This is what it said: "...to bring into accord with reason or cause something to seem reasonable, as: to attribute (one's actions) to rational and creditable motives without analysis of true and esp. unconscious motives..."
The word rationalize and this definition made me recall H's accusations that I am irrational, to be excused. You might recall how I felt on previous posts to be called that. In my opinion, I'm trying to make sense of the interactions between H and I and the things that have happened in our R the same way many others do. I have trouble making statements as though they are fact, particularly when they are not statements about myself. For example, does H have a fear? It appears he does, but hell, maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it. Is it a fear? Sure, maybe, call it what you want. The way I see it, it doesn't matter if it is a fear or not per se. What matters is that he doesn't like to discuss it and is projecting that onto our son. Is that rationalizing?

It is NOT normal to think that a 5 year old will be traumatized by just hearing the word dead.
And it wasn't just the issue of your child hearing it - your H was becoming very uncomfortable hearing you use the word with him during the conversation.

H didn't say that I was 'traumatizing' S5. He said the more we use the word, the more real it becomes. Hence his irritation that I was repeatedly using the word in front of S5 during our conversation (which I wasn't, S5 was in another room at the time). My interpretation of how he felt was that S5 is too young to be fully exposed to death and therefore would like to limit his exposure to the word.

Anyway, H's fear of it stops him from allowing his children to have a healthy understanding of it; in a way, he's doing to them what was done to him. He's making "death" a taboo subject, and what they'll learn from that is that death is a thing to be feared, hidden, not spoken about... just like he does.

I agree. I don't know when the right time is to expose a child to the concept of death. In the absence of a death in the family at which time children are normally exposed ready or not, I suppose there is no 'right time' and you have to let your child guide you. The key here, is that S5 brought it up, not me. That means he is starting to relate to what the word means and he will be asking questions to which he deserves objective answers. I will be there to provide them. H can avoid if he so chooses.

I think this is an instance of him projecting his own fear onto the kid.

I agree.

You seem to be looking for a key to unlock Matt from his dysfunction, and you say, "Well, maybe he wouldn't do *that* if I wouldn't do *this*", or "What can I do so he won't do *the other thing* anymore?".

I guess I thought this was what I was supposed to do? Look at my own behavior to see how it is contributing to the madness? Change him by changing myself. Am I taking this too literally?!

I remember a post back in the beginning of my journey where H and I got into a huge fight over him having the TV up too loud and it escalated all the way to him putting his hands around my throat. Someone posted to that and said "I can see a lot of things that *you* could have done differently". That person was right. Maybe I do take this too literally though, I don't know. It sure would be nice to just BE without having to analyze my every move. My problem to date though is that I analyze my moves after the fact instead of thinking things through before I act.

You're hoping his behavior is based on something you can control.

I think you're right. I'm trying to control his behavior. But isn't that part of the premise of what we're doing here? Monitoring "results"....what are those "results" supposed to be? Changes in the other person's behavior, right?

To keep yourself healthy, I think you have to detach quite a bit.

I wish it wasn't the case, I want to be close. But to be able to be calm and centered, I do need to be detached. I'm getting a little more comfortable with it. These things take time, I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm like a kid. I want to be important and I want to be loved and I want it now. Oh yeah, and these things should come to me regardless of my own behavior!! How's that for a motto?

Thank you all for your thoughts. I know I missed some things I wanted to respond to and I will probably post again later.