Learning to trust myself III

[Burgbud]

All right Heather, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get this point across the way I intend it, but it's worth a shot.

I wonder if you and the rest of us aren't dealing with the trees and not giving the forest enough attention. When I look at H, these are some of the trees I see:

• He doesn't want anybody to count on him or ask him for help.
• He used to drink way too much, and now has some unusual drinking rituals.
• His reactions to your rather minimal affair have been somewhat bizarre and way out of proportion.
• He has an odd and somewhat disturbing (to me, anyway) fixation with death and aging.
• He runs hot and cold in his feelings and actions toward you.
• He's stated that just being with you for the kids' sake is acceptable to him

Without getting into any of those specific items, can we just stipulate that he is not healthy? Which means that you are not in a relationship with a healthy person?

Very few people are totally mentally and emotionally healthy, of course. If most of the folks on this board were completely squared away, we probably wouldn't have gotten to the point we're at in our R's or we would have avoided them in the first place. But one of the outstanding benefits of DB'ing is how we're encouraged to look at our unhealthy behavior (as well as the underlying beliefs and attitudes) and get them turned around. Of course, the idea in the beginning is that this will help attract our spouses. And over time, most people come to recognize they like themselves better this way and try to stick with their changes and healthier outlooks because it's best for them. You have followed this path yourself. You do a lot of introspection and a lot of analysis of your R's dynamics. You look for ways to improve yourself and how you handle your sitch and you implement the necessary changes. You're getting healthier.

But H isn't. He doesn't think he needs to. He rejects even the idea of seeing a C. But I don't think it could be more obvious that he's not emotionally healthy.

Which brings me to the main point that I'm struggling to put together in my head so you'll understand what I'm trying to say. I think you absolutely need to understand that you can't make Matt healthy. When you make your changes and when you analyze his actions in an attempt to figure out how to bring him around, I think you're kind of chasing your tail. You're getting caught up in his drama and you're spinning your wheels. I think in part, this is what NYS means when he says you're rationalizing. You seem to be looking for a key to unlock Matt from his dysfunction, and you say, "Well, maybe he wouldn't do *that* if I wouldn't do *this*", or "What can I do so he won't do *the other thing* anymore?". You're hoping his behavior is based on something you can control. And in some instances I'm sure it is. Some, but not all. Maybe the bottom line is that to stay in your M, you gotta accept that until he himself does something about it, you're going to have an unhealthy partner. So you've gotta figure out how you can remain healthy and make the R as healthy as possible with little or no help from him.

To keep yourself healthy, I think you have to detach quite a bit. I don't blame you for not wanting a M in which you have to detach from your partner. But that seems to be what your sitch calls for, otherwise you're going to continually get spun into his unhealthy vortex. And I fear that will keep you questioning yourself and your value and possibly eroding your self esteem. Don't let that happen. If your M survives it will be because *you* were strong and healthy enough to carry it thru this turbulence. Let his accusations of irrationality and his other fault finding hit your skin and drop to the ground before it gets in your head. He's wrong about those things and it's obvious. So don't buy it.

If you can get to the point where you can be calm and centered amidst his stormy words and behavior, then I think you have a chance. At the least you'll be able to save yourself. Just don't let an unhealthy partner wear you out. Detach and let his craziness wear on him and not on you.

BTW, VJ has an interesting post in Jennbird's thread on Newcomers about great dads. Might be worth a look.