Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

I'm not sure if death is a fear of H's or not. I think it might be, he refuses to talk about where or how we should be buried. I've been open that I want to be cremated and would prefer not to have a funeral unless those *close* to me need one. Anyway, he has shied away from discussions like this in the past. He has also told me that he remembers way back to early childhood having thoughts of not wanting to get old. Getting old seems to be a big deal for him....although I'm here to tell ya, he's got nothing to worry about, he's *the* biggest kid I know, lol

But actually, in this case, I think the 'dead' thing is really linked to H wanting to make sure that our kids have a great childhood and aren't exposed to any realities earlier than they have to be. H has never revealed any particular trauma in his childhood and I know his family very, very well. Nothing has ever been said about H being an unhappy child per se. But the fact is, that he was an unhappy child. In fact, until H had kids, he was an unhappy person. Period. He talks about feeling really lonely as a kid and he talked about not understanding the importance of certain things that other kids seemed to intuitively understand, like the importance of grades. Light bulbs went on for him much later in life than for most kids it seems and apparently he feels that his parents could have guided him more.

So, with that being said, I think it's just SUPER important to H that our kids have a happy childhood. And I've mentioned to H that no matter what we do, our kids are going to look back and have some regrets about their childhood. I used his own childhood as an example. It hurts his Mom when he expresses a memory where he felt hurt or discouraged, etc. because, like any parent, you try to shield your kids from that. But the fact is, it happens. They are their own people with their own feelings and their own perceptions and they are going to interpret our actions in a different way than we intend them sometimes. He acknowledged that was probably true.

What I said in the conversation with H might not have sounded sarcastic written in words, but my voice was pretty sarcastic. When I said it was a pleasure, it would have taken an idiot to not realize that I felt our conversation had been far from a pleasure. So, that's the raw me, just letting my words flow. A backslide because that's what I'm trying to change.