Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

So to recap on yesterday's discussion, my goal is to be friendly to H but not seek an emotional connection with him. I'm still pretty unsure about where I stand on the physical connection.....can't seem to make up my mind how I feel about it.

HorseLover-
Thanks for stopping by. Alcoholism is a really difficult thing. I found it incredibly difficult because there are not exact parameters for defining what is and is not an alcoholic. And if I couldn't define H as an alcoholic, then I could never come to grips with my feelings on the issue. I mean, if he wasn't an alcoholic, then maybe I was overeacting. Maybe it was *my* problem. Maybe his behavior would be perfectly acceptable to someone else, maybe we're just not meant to be together. If he's not an alcoholic, then he would stop if he loved me, I've told him over and over how it makes me feel and it's clear it causes tremendous problems in our R. I think the alcohol issue is primarily responsible for making me doubt myself and my perception of things. My H was not your typical alcholic by any means. Even my counselors have expressed much interest in his behaviors and the two counselors I saw had never heard of such controlled binge drinking...as though it were a religion.

Anyway, the good news is that he doesn't drink nearly as much as he used to. I never did make it to AlAnon. I looked it up several times on the internet and got schedules of nearby meetings even. I would pull out the schedule, look at it, wonder to myself 'But where am I going to tell H that I'm going?" It never went farther than that. I felt like I was betraying him somehow by going. So I ultimately had an A. Go figure. The ultimate betrayal. Perhaps I should have went to AlAnon, huh?! I even had an appt once with an addict counselor. Just someone I could talk to to see if my feelings were 'normal'. But I cancelled. I often wonder, if I just would have allowed myself a little freedom to discuss the issue with a professional if I would have been able to handle the problem with more dignity, or if I still would have ended up seeking solace outside of my M. Guess I'll never know.