Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

Are you looking for an excuse not to change things?

I don't think so.

So, your argument is, for example, if it's part of my personality to be an over-eater, I shouldn't change my behavior because it would need to be long term and it goes against who I am right now. Sorry, I don't buy it.

Geez, I wouldn't say I was 'arguing' anything. Just making an observation about a topic that was weightier than I had first given it credit for. I am certainly not saying that a behavior with negative consequences shouldn't be changed. I have already said that I've noticed a difference in H's behavior when I distance vs pursue, so that must mean that I am trying out new behaviors, not looking for an excuse for things to stay the same. My purpose in saying what I did was that, like Anna said, this was always a quality that *I* rather liked about myself. I started with DBing as a way to change things about myself that I didn't like, things I wasn't proud of that contributed to my place in my R with H. I realize it is also about changing things that don't work, whether you like those things about yourself or not. So with that being said, I have tried distance and I can rather say I don't like it and was just expressing my anxiety that it will have to be a life-long change. Bummer.

It's about creating a climate where the distancing partner hopefully realizes why they distance themselves and works on their issues

And how, do you do that?


Any of this sound familiar to you?

Perhaps...it is difficult to tell because the alchoholism muddied the water. Maybe the real reason H used alcohol was b/c he knew it would create distance. Who knows. Right now, the only thing that sounds familiar to me is that I sought comfort somewhere else and that lately, things seem to improve if I employ a bit of distance. That could be because I feel better about myself (guarding my heart a little more closely) or it could be because H truly responds better. I need to observe a bit more closely.

You rationalize what you do, Heather.

Do I? Because, I suppose I could see how someone might think that about me a few threads ago.....I was operating in a heightened state of defensivenes.....but I guess I hoped that I have taken on a bigger piece of responsibility for my situation by now. I will refrain (as much as I can) from being defensive if you can please expand on what you mean here.

Thanks!