So, if I'm the pursuer in my R and I take steps to change my behavior, do you suppose the changes have to be life-long changes? Gosh in that case, it would be like changing my personality, a piece of who I am
Are you looking for an excuse not to change things? Who you were 20 years ago is a bit different than who you are today, who you'll be 20 years from now could be different than who you are today. Unless you're a robot. Isn't it healthy to grow and mature and develop as a person? Isn't DBing about changing behaviors?
So, your argument is, for example, if it's part of my personality to be an over-eater, I shouldn't change my behavior because it would need to be long term and it goes against who I am right now. Sorry, I don't buy it.
On the one hand, you don't want to reinstate the pursuing behavior, but on the other hand, you want to reward the other person's pursuing behavior. How do you manage that, lol?!
I think the concept is not about rewarding the partner's pursuing behavior. It's about creating a climate where the distancing partner hopefully realizes why they distance themselves and works on their issues.
The distancing partner always has the upper hand and control of the relationship. They're the ones that set the boundaries of what the relationship will be, The pursuing partner responds to that by attempting to have the distancer draw closer, but that just propels the distancer further. It's a never ending struggle, and not very fulfilling and eventually the pursuer seeks comfort elsewhere and immerses themselves with: their work, their kids, an affair. Any of this sound familiar to you?
You rationalize what you do, Heather. You have to break through those rationalizations so as to not cling onto your current pattern. YOU become the distancer, and things may change for you.
