Quote: I opened up more, called him more, became less detached and then the ugly side of him creeped up more often.
OK, totally different idea.
What if in the past your husband would listen and always be trying to fix your problem that you were discussing and then got shot down or you would get upset that he wasn't listening, or you had some other kind of negative reaction.
Then, as these topics come up again, he has a learned response that increases his anxiety. He knows, that he doesn't know what to do. His life, his job, his upbringing were always about KNOWING and DECIDING what to do, but with your issues and problems he may be impotent. So, you bringing up these things makes him feel less sure of himself, less of a man. It could actually be degrading his self-esteem.
Ask yourself what you really want. Do you just want him to listen and empathize? Do you NOT want your problems solved? If yes, then tell him this. That you are just looking for a sympathetic ear. You just need to get things that are frustrating you off your chest and you'll feel better.
Back in the DR book, Michele talks about not bringing up discussions when your H may not be conducive to being responsive; i.e. when he's at work, or just before bed, or during a football game.
Identify when your H is most conducive to listening empathetically and recreate those situations. Is it at 10:30 at night over cocoa at the kitchen table? Is it when you are in the bath and he's just in there talking to you? Find the good spots and avoid the bad spots.
