Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

She said men tend to be more confident with speaking in public settings and often see communication as a means of establishing status, especially in the workplace. Men therefore see "home" as a comfortable refuge from the stress of public talking. Where women often feel they have to be guarded in their public speaking so they don't come across as overly aggressive or bitchy. So women tend to see "home" as a comfortable refuge where they can let their guard down and talk freely.

That is definitely an interesting observation. I can see where it would apply to a lot of relationships. My H is not very talkative, but he hasn't seemed to fear intimacy in the past....but maybe he does fear it a little now since the A. It isn't so much that H needs space I don't think....let me give you the most glaring example of what upset me this past weekend and maybe it will give more insight. H bought D2 a couple Barbies to keep in the closet for a time when a gift would be needed (remember, he's a toy connisseour sp?~!!). We were running out of time right before S5's b-day party and I needed H to go with me to get the balloons (3 dozen of them) because I couldn't push them all into my truck by myself. So my Mom offered to wrap D2's present (so she would have something to open at S5's party and not feel left out). So, I got out the Barbie and the tape and paper and set it on her bed. Well, D2 opened the door to the guest room and found her "prize". Uh-oh. H was really ticked at me and said rudely "What do I gotta do??" Like 'what do I have to do so that you won't keep acting like such an incompetent idiot?'. I just looked at him? I said "H, it was an accident that she found it" He said "Of course she found it". He said something else along the same lines of the 'what do I gotta do', but I can't remember what it was. I looked at him and said "It's not *that* big of a deal, I mean really, is it worth *this* (motioning to the exchange between him and I). He said "*Yes*, it is totally worth this...". Anyway, he didn't end up coming with me to get the balloons because we ran out of time (one of us needed to be there to greet S5's guests), so the store clerk helped me.
So, I have no idea what would make him act like such a *jerk*. Is there an underlying reason, i.e. that he doesn't want too much intimacy or he needs his space? I don't know. Either way it doesn't excuse his behavior toward me, it seemed completely unwarranted. And that is where I just feel defeated. Like things will never change.

So the things you both happen to enjoy, you do together Family stuff . And the things one of you enjoys that the other doesn't, you do separately Anything else!! .

There are enough parts of the R that work to hold the M together. But there still isn't a whole lot of intimacy. The man isn't wanting too much intimacy

In the past, I would say this was pretty untrue. H and I had a lot of intimacy. But for me, the alcohol issue cancelled out most of the good stuff in our M. Everything boiled back down to that. I could not happily live with a person who made choices like H did. But there were good aspects of our R and I would even venture to say that we had a lot of things that other couples would have envied.....sigh.

H definitely wants you in his life, especially if you're being pleasant. What guy doesn't want a beautiful, pleasant woman? So if he feels you pulling away a little, he wants to connect and keep you involved. But sharing and being "relationshipy" is uncomfortable and not what he wants, so he pushes back.

Although I don't think we've hit any of the reasons for this (it's not fear of intimacy or a need for space), overall, I would say this is a pretty good summary. BTW, thanks for throwing the 'beautiful' part in there

I guess I just need to keep doing what works and for whatever reason, that seems to be acting a little cooler toward him than I would like. Silence is golden, silence is golden.