Learning to trust myself III

[Burgbud]

...when things started going better between H and I, I was trying to be really detached. Not talking about my personal life, really sort of pulling away. But I was being very nice, not at all resentful. He seemed to respond well to that attitude. But then when we started getting along better, I opened up more, called him more, became less detached and then the ugly side of him creeped up more often.

Thoughts on that?


Allow me to project yet again.

It seems like H sees your M the same way I saw mine. Which is that it should be about the intersection between two people's lives and not the union. So the things you both happen to enjoy, you do together. And the things one of you enjoys that the other doesn't, you do separately.

Problem is, not that many men are into relationships. We tend to process our feelings on our own. We tend to be more talkative in public settings (like with our buddies at work) than in private settings (like with our wives at home). Just to make this post longer, I'll mention that Deborah Tannen had something interesting to say about this in one of her books. She said men tend to be more confident with speaking in public settings and often see communication as a means of establishing status, especially in the workplace. Men therefore see "home" as a comfortable refuge from the stress of public talking. Where women often feel they have to be guarded in their public speaking so they don't come across as overly aggressive or bitchy. So women tend to see "home" as a comfortable refuge where they can let their guard down and talk freely. So this is a place where the intersection theory of relationships doesn't work worth a crap, because there is so little intersection.

I think intersection based relationships that work fall into the category of "functional relationships". I would go so far as to say that the majority of long term marriages I can think of fall into this category. There are enough parts of the R that work to hold the M together. But there still isn't a whole lot of intimacy. The man isn't wanting too much intimacy and the woman is probably getting most of hers from female friends. I think that was a big factor in how much my M degraded over the years...we moved so much that W didn't have close friends to talk to and had to depend on me for intimacy, and I was piss poor and providing it.

So in your case, H definitely wants you in his life, especially if you're being pleasant. What guy doesn't want a beautiful, pleasant woman? So if he feels you pulling away a little, he wants to connect and keep you involved. But sharing and being "relationshipy" is uncomfortable and not what he wants, so he pushes back.

Does any of that seem to fit?