Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

Well House was not on last night afterall. MLB....what*ever*! I'm not a baseball fan, can ya tell?

Jabez, it is not my motivation that concerns me, it is H's.

Is Physical Touch one of H's LL?

It would seem so. I don't know how to feel really confident that I'm right, but it seems to convey good things to him, for sure. He responds well and seems happier overall.

When you engage in this physical act, are you doing so because you are showing him that you love him? Are you making love w/him? Are you sharing yourself w/him? Or, is it all for just the physical feeling and the big O?
I am definitely sharing myself with him, it is more than sex. I don't know that I'm making love with him. That's a stretch for now. But it's intimate and I know in my heart that it's not just fu@king for either one of us. My motivation is that it brings us closer together. H and I need all the bonds we can possibly find right now and sex is one of the bonds that I have available.

I don't think it's very practical to put a 'no sex' rule in place, it wouldn't be true to how I feel and I'm not good at keeping up that kind of stuff. I've told H that it concerns me that we have sex but don't sleep in the same bed and I don't think he's taking it lightly.

Bud said something on his thread (sorry to always refer back to the things you say Bud, but you're always so insightful, lol. I do read other people's threads too, I promise!!) about being afraid that if the R started to go down a more positive road he'd be afraid to start asserting his needs into the R for fear W would say "see I knew you hadn't really changed".....I can relate to that very well as I'm sure many others can as well. But in my case so far, it seems that I've been able to establish some boundaries (like choosing to end the phone call when H referred to me as irrational) and H has still reacted postively toward me, still acknowledged my changes and expressed satisfaction with the way our R is headed. This makes me feel very optimistic about our R because I feel more respected than I have in the past. And I can tell that although H did not say he wants to start sleeping in the same bed again, he did indicate that it would happen eventually if we continue on this path. That is fair enough. I have no right to ask for more than he can give after what I've done. And I can feel that he takes my point seriously. That puts us in an entirely different category than we were in just a few months ago. Yey!