Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

a sense of helplessness and defeat. You must feel backed into a corner by Matt and out of fighting energy.

That describes my feelings pretty well when I'm frustrated. Helplessness can KMA The great thing about these boards and DR is that I know I'm not really helpless. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to realize that I feel helpless because my H is not changing as fast or in all of the ways that I'd like. It's the expectations and the fact that they are not being met that fuels my feelings of helplessness. I need to take the focus off H and what he is or isn't doing and put the focus back on me. If I wasn't talking about something that's not so fun, I would say I was being selfish there, lol

I think I know you well enough to say that it will be back... your body is just processing so much emotion right now.

Thanks Anna! You were right. I feel better today. When someone gives me their opinion, I place a very high value on it. I put a very high value on everyone's opinion on this BB. I put a very high value on my H's opinion. The problem I've identified in my life is that I don't place a very high value on my own opinion. I think I've blamed H enough for that, he is not at fault for that. When someone gives me their opinion I need to realize that is just one person's opinion and it is not fair to either myself or to that person to place too high of a value on their
statement(s). I need to consider what others think and feel, but ultimately it is my life and my feelings that reign inside this heart and head of mine. I need to trust myself. This is the third thread of mine with that title and I am starting to see the applications of trusting myself outside of my M as well.

if struggling with anger is an issue, your circumstances prob. really make it a challenge

Yep. But guess what? H actually commented last night that I have done a "180" with my behavior. A 180!!!! When he said that, I just thought to myself "It's working!!". I have been controlling my reactions much better and really working on the idea that every thought that goes through my head doesn't have to come flying out of my mouth.

it seems you are having sex with him while he has no respect for you.

That is one way of looking at it. And it seems to be the point of view that causes the most problems, lol. I had a discussion with H about this last night. He was slightly reluctant to discuss it at first, but then seemed very willing and we had a good overall discussion. The major points of interest are that he said he can see us sleeping in the same bed again, but we have a long ways to go (afterall, I just started being civil to him 3-4 months ago he said). He said trust would take a long time to re-establish and I found this positive because he at least sees that it can be rebuilt. He asked me to listen to my heart and tell him if I feel having sex is good for our R or not. I said I felt it was a good thing. He asked me if I felt I was having to do all the R work b/c he feels we have a good "thing" going where it is give and take between us. I told him that lately I did not feel that I was having to do all the work. So all of that is very positive stuff. At one point I said "I agree" and he said "OMG, who is this person?"
But, S_H, you bring up an excellent point about sleeping next to a friend without sex. And I think that you are probably right on. H and I are married and we are continuing with some things the way a married couple would, i.e. sex. But I think he is letting me know that I am not back in his heart yet as a friend. I am his wife, but not his friend. Thank you for pointing that out. That needs to be really important in the coming months, being a friend to him and him to me.
I haven't sorted out how I feel entirely about the sex thing. I'm still thinking on it. Thanks for the new perspective S_H.