Learning to trust myself III

[heatherg]

Hey guys, thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing fine. H got back from San Diego this past Friday and we've been busy all weekend getting ready for S4's birthday this weekend. My mother is coming tomorrow. Busy.

So, I'm just blah. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of my sails and after those last couple posts, I just couldn't quite think of anything to say.

I have been stand-offish to my H since he got home. Which isn't particularly good for the R. But it has been difficult for me to contemplate having sex b/c NY's words keep ringing in my ears. I will probably bring up the subject tonight. I plan to ask him first if he remembers saying that, what he meant by it exactly and if he still feels that way. I guess I'll go from there.

Annapolis hasn't happened yet. Not until later this month. And you wanna know what keeps popping into my mind? If I was booked a room w/ a king sized bed or a room with two dbl beds. If it's a king sized bed I don't know if H would sleep on the floor or what.

I've been thinking about something you said on another thread Bud. Something about "Yeah, but if you really knew *everything*, you'd think differently". You put into words the way I always feel when someone points out my H's faults. It's not that I defend H so much as I want people to also see fault in me. So I've been thinking lately about my faults and about the things I like the least about me. I read about anger on Anna's thread and I know that I need to think more about anger in my life. I'm very angry. Anger is the emotion that is closest to the surface for me. You hurt me, I get angry. You get angry at me, I get angry back. I hurt myself, I get angry. Things don't go my way, I get angry. Most people wouldn't know that about me. I come across as demure and innocent and people would be shocked to learn that I can swear like a sailor. So....what does that tell me? I'm not sure yet. But I know my patience is a work in progress and I'm literally ashamed at how quickly I can lose my temper with my kids....I'm going to get the book the Dance of Anger and I think I need to start getting with Anna on meditation b/c I do believe my brain is on overload most of the time.
This has probably been a weird post, full of unformed thoughts. All of these things have been in my head but I haven't had much time to think it through.