Hi everyone. I have a question for those of you who've been doing this a long time and know what they're doing (lol). My husband has been home since May after an 8 month long separation and things have been going pretty well. I've noticed though that lately I'm struggling with fear again and when I get entrenched in fear it's very hard for me to act as if and to be positive, etc. etc. etc. I think maybe the fact that today is our wedding anniversary might have something to do with the fear too; like I'm very, VERY grateful he is here and we are still married, BUT I'm also afraid that it'll be our last anniversary and that there won't ever be another.
What I'm afraid of is that he'll leave again, and also I'm afraid of trusting him and then getting my heart broken. We have been looking for a marriage counselor (one that truly believes in saving marriages, not just allowing them to end just because there have been problems or separations) and we are due to start our sessions next week. I think that this is also something that is stirring up fear in me because although on paper it's a "good" thing, the last time we tried counseling it was a disaster and our final session ended with him saying he wanted a divorce. YIKES!
So, I guess I'm wondering how everyone keeps the fears and doubts at bay once their spouse comes home. It was very easy for me to do the DB-ing stuff while we were apart, but now that he's here in the house with me every day, it's tough to put on a happpy face when I really don't feel like it.
Thanks so much for listening and for any help you can give me everyone. I appreciate it.
First, congratulations on keeping your marriage together!! Bravo. What worked to keep things together? What brought your H back home? Stick with what works!!!
Your fears are a natural progression in this ordeal. They are a natural response to an emotional trauma. They are much the same as driving on a slippery road. We all know the risks, but sometimes our judgement and choices are skewed. If we are involved in an accident on the slippery road, it is a very visual and physical reminder to "NOT DO THAT AGAIN".
The same holds true in your relationship. If you can uncover the things that led you to sepration and also the things that brought you back together, you are well on your way to regaining the security you are seeking. If you have not read Michelle's books, please do so. Another suggestion is the "Keeping Love Alive" series. There is a forum foe KLA at the bottom of the Main Menu page. They are great tools to keep any relationship on track.
Your fears are exactly that..... yours. Only you can make them less intense. Your H can help, but the first step is yours. Try some simple thought stopping. Maybe if you find yourself feeling fearful, remember a favorite family event. Try singing your favorite "pick me up song". There has to be something that makes your day brighter. Use the tools around you to get you through the tough times. Focus on the good. (he's home right!!??)
Keep things simple at first, try different methods and monitor what works and what doesn't. Develop patience with your trial and error method and you WILL succeed.
Happy Anniversary! Today is our anniversary as well....9yrs! Minnesota Steve always gives good advice but you gave some to yourself in you last post:
Quote: It seems like the times he is happiest with me (and shows it) are when I am doing great in my own life and not living so much for the relationship....I guess I've let things slide for awhile, as though once I saw things getting good, I felt I didn't need to do the work anymore. And I think that's probably why I've been unhappy and worried lately, just like I used to be during the separation.
It's very easy to fall back into old patterns and habits...you have to continue doing what works! Re-read DR and make some new goals for yourself and your M.
Thank you so much for what you said---both of you! I do feel very lucky that we have this chance, that he is home with me. It really is the answer to a prayer. I guess I need to find creative ways to deal with the fear when it comes, and it seems like maybe I do have the answers already (I just need to read my old posts! LOL LOL!!)
Anyway, thank you for reminding me of what I've got and how lucky I am. Also, Happy Anniversary to you Unsure!
Today is our fifteenth and I just have to share this because I'm so happy----while I was cooking dinner my husband ran out to the store and came home just now with roses, a beautiful balloon and a sweet card---all for our anniversary. I was so stunned and so happy I just burst into tears and he laughed and hugged me. It felt so good to be in his arms and to realize that he was thinking about doing this stuff all day long.
He really does love me and he must want to be here with me or he wouldn't be. I've GOT to remember this night when I get fearful and worried about the future.
Thanks so much for your encouragement and just for listening.
Hugs and good luck to both of you, Tracy (who feels like a goofball for being so worried earlier)
