Well, I haven't changed my mind on taking him back or not. But his dad is dying so I wanted to be a friend and I wanted to be the one to look after the kids while he is seeing his dad, as I know he'd just get his EX-OW's to do it if it's not me.
I have tried to let go completely because I am happier when I do, but in my sitch that means completely letting go of all of them, except DD4. Whenever the opportunity arises, I find myself sucked into this 'can I look after them' routine, when I know in my heart it would be easier to walk away from them all, even if they are my daughters.
I feel like a dying flower, most of the time, trying to stay in their lives, but because I am their mother, the pull is irresistable.
Up until very recently, I was still very sexually attracted to Andy but in the last 2 months after his latest 'I need space' speech, my interest in that is reducing. I don't feel so attracted anymore and have tried to get him to stay outside the door. This is new for me, as I've always looked at him and thought 'you're gorgeous' before, but now I'm not even looking at him at all. I guess after a long while, it doesn't matter what they look like if they treat you wrong.
As per his money situation, I agree with you. I've always had the impression he keeps the girls to keep me. He could never walk away properly so he took them - part of me, and when I don't listen to him anymore, the only way he can hurt me is through them. So he does.
I'm not sure if all of it is vindictive; I think he may have depression because he's been acting weird for years and prior to that, he never behaved like that. He used to be model husband and father and he literally switched overnight. That's why I think it was some kind of breakdown. But it doesn't really matter why, anymore.
Thanks for saying my life fascinates you It is a bit like an episode of Oprah, isn't it? That's why I wrote the book.
I did phone Andy to confirm what time I would be there for the girls and I said to him 'you're bloody lucky I am, after the way you spoke to me.'
He grumbled that he appreciated it, and I said bye and put the phone down.
Guys, I just really don't want to be here; I am so unhappy. I've had 4 years of misery and I can't take anymore
I just got in with all these thoughts running through my head, and I'm tired, I'm just so tired. Then I thought I might still be pregnant so I am trying to hold it together.
I can't even begin to write about my day, it's just too painful. I just want to go to sleep and not have to think about it anymore
Bruce, I did see your question on the dream. I will answer, I promise, when I feel more normal. I wish Andy's dad would just take me with him
I have never felt this bad in 2 and a half years.
And all my life will ever be is more BS. I've had nothing but BS since I was 24.
This is it now; I have to let go of my kids as well or I will just die. I can't take the pain anymore.
I will just pretend that all it ever was, was me and Alicia.
You have every right and reason to quit with this whole thing. Look after yourself and DD4 and just forget about Andy. Completely purge yourself of him. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I've had 4 years of misery and I can't take anymore
Jo, I remember when you were happy this spring. I am sorry you are feeling down now.
Sounds like Andy is into his life too much and not willing/able to give much to you. Maybe it is time to take a break from him.
If Andy does not need/appreciate you, D4 sure does.
I have been reading this thread> DB"ing, etc...honestly, would you do it again? by Chazz. There are some good points to consider. Some people said they DB for their family, some learned to GAL, some people listed what they did wrong DB'ing. Read en and see if anything might help you.
How about visiting with a friend in the mean time. You are too good of a person to be unhappy for long.
It is a bit like an episode of Oprah, isn't it? That's why I wrote the book.