That's a deep question, Gabe. I have thought frequently of the sitch between Andy and I ever since I told him it was over. In fact, I was already 1 day late when I told him that and I had this weird feeling that it wouldn't arrive, so at the time when I called it quits with him, I was aware of the possibility I may be pregnant. In some ways, it is one of the reasons why I did what I did, it was certainly a motivating factor to my feelings of hopelessness.
When he came round last time and looked at me with this 'ILY' look and hugged me, I felt really sentimental towards him, esp. if I am carrying his child, but it didn't alter the fact that I don't believe he will change his behaviour.
I was supposed to be looking after the kids while he was in college but after that phone call when I told him I couldn't go on seeing him, he got EX-OW to look after them instead of me, even though we'd already arranged it. I was so angry, I told him so. But my point is, he will always be like this with them and he just doesn't see me as their mother.
What kind of life would I have with him if he carried on like that about the kids? Never let me raise them, or give my opinion or think for myself or have any rights over them. If he can't be respectful, what kind of stable home environment could he create for me, the kids and possibly a new baby? I would be so unhappy. I'd be more of a housekeeper than his wife.
I want to get married but a new baby means I can't.
In the UK, fathers don't have any parenting rights at all unless they are married to the mother or they were married at the time of conception, or the mother has put their name on the birth certificate.
I went and got legal advice in case I am pregnant and they told me that because we were divorced at time of (possible) conception, he has no rights at all to the baby, not even visitation. He would have to apply for a parental rights order and to do that he needs my signature.
If we got back together and re-married, he would have the power to remove my children from me like he did with the others, and judging by the on/off behaviour of his, and his cold feet, there is just no trust there on my part that he wouldn't run off with them.
Don't get me wrong, I do love him. I always will, but I need to see concrete and lasting changes in him before I would contemplate a R with him, and I just don't believe he will.
He is acting as if he still thinks he can get me whenever he wants; he doesn't know just how hopeless I feel about the R.
PMA wise I am very good. I don't mind if I am pregnant or not, I can handle it. This might sound crazy to you, but I have a religious belief in reincarnation, so if I am, I believe it is the same child I lost in 03 (same soul, different body). Since we used contraception, I think if I do turn out to be pregnant, then it was God's will that I am.
If not, then not. I will carry on with my life the same as before.
I saw my friend Sam this morning. She's getting married to her American boyfriend and they set a date for 11 March next year, so we spent the morning talking about weddings.
