Don't get me wrong, I love Andy and I know he loves me in his own way, but after that last four and a half months when he got cold feet, I was at the point where if he returned, we would have to have a proper relationship or not have one at all.
This time round he did make some breakthroughs (with the ILY etc) but he was still behaving in the same on/off way and I need security. I simply can't carry on entertaining him when he behaves like that. If he wants me, he wants me and if he dosn't, he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. I did tell him that at the start and what with the no ML and 'I need space' etc etc, I just saw it as more of the same, and it was making me deeply unhappy to be with him in that context.
I don't like feeling miserable all the time and so I had to call it off. I've had enough uncertainity to last a lifetime.
If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would.
Somehow I don't think I am important enough to him, so I am going to get on with my life without him. His loss. He knows how much I love him and that there will never be another woman that feels as passionate as I do about him. He's just thrown all that away by his phobia of commitment. I know he'll regret it forever, even he said he'd have to deal with it because it's through 'his actions.'
The daft, bloody stupid fool. I feel really angry at the moment. Why couldn't he tell me ILY in 2003 when I was pregnant with his baby and we were house-sharing and we could have made it work? Why tell me ILY after he has had 2 OW and he's broken my heart so many times, I can no longer bear it? Why? He waits till I have no strength left to tell me he loves me, and then I can't even DB anymore! I'm furious!
As for the kids, we don't know each other very well anymore, and every time I see them there is some horrible thing said about my parenting. I am having to DB with them and it as as hard as with Andy. My mood always drops, I end up snapping at DD4 and feeling miserable and then she gets upset.
It sounds awful, but I am calmer and more centred when it is just me and DD4. I still have nightmares about the court stuff and him snatching the kids all the time, and I can't look at them without thinking that. Nothing is natural, and it's always in the back of my mind 'would he approve if I did this with them?' (because if he doesn't, then I get to hear about it). It feels like a noose around my neck.
I don't intend to walk out on my children, at least not in the long-term, but I don't see myself as their mother anymore. What I hope for is that I will become like an aunty or a friend they might confide in. If I could achieve that, I would be happy with that. It would take some of the misery away, of being a childless mother.
I had 2 missed calls on my cell phone today. It's either Andy calling from his landline or EX-OM calling. I'm hoping it's not EX-OM as he gets obsessive and I don't need that again. I have ignored it.
I am surprisingly together considering. No crying etc today and I took DD4 to a steiner toddler group and then chatted to a friend till 2pm. I have paid my bills, done my housework (some of it) and feel okay. It scares me how little emotion I feel.
