I have left him.

Officially.

I've never left him before, so I think this is it.

I couldn't get rid of the WAW feeling no matter what I did. I wasn't happy enough to 'act as if', I wasn't happy enough with the small moves he was making towards me.

I am exhausted after nearly 4 years. I cannot get passed the sexual rejection and how it makes me feel. I'm not prepared to put my whole life on hold to wait while he has space. I believe he loves me, but not enough.

I'm tired of the hot and cold, of the chase and never getting anywhere. I'm tired of being alone every night instead of with a partner I could be with, but I'm still holding on to him.

I'm tired of the mind games, of having him there one minute and not the next. I worn out with trying to be a mother one day and not having them there the next. After 4 years of hardly seeing them, my bonds are dying with all of them. I just can't make it stick.

I'm sick of the criticisms re my mothering; there have been one too many.

I'm fed up of the uncertainty, of crying, of him doing all this stuff for me one day and then not.

I'm tired of putting so much into this R when he never does.

I was 24. I was 24 when he said this R wasn't working and a couple of weeks shy of 25 when he left. I am 28 now. Apart from casual dating for a few months, I have never had another partner.

I have been denied the SL I deserve in my twenties when it should be the most active time in my life. I feel like half a woman I feel like someone has ripped my arm off.

I'm sick of never being included in the home ed, of always feeling as if he's ashamed of me.

I'm fed up with the way his dozens of friends always take first precident over me, how he always running off to console some distressed FF and he doesn't care if I'm stressed.

I give everything I've got and I just get nothing back.

He sent me a text message with a kiss on it, saying he'd be online in a bit. He didn't come online for ages, and I'd just had it my then.

My 5 year old DD dressed DD4 this morning because he was in bed

I just burst into tears and said I can't do this anymore. It is too difficult to love you, it is different this time.

He asked me why it was different, so I told him. He said that he did love me, but he just didn't have it in him to commit to a full time R at the moment. I said exactly, I will never be important to you, you will never love me enough. You never let me into your life etc etc.

I told him that I was no longer his amazon, that he'd had another lover since the first time and he preferred her. He said 'actually I just prefer not to make comparisons.'
I said well I've been hurt, I needed to hear that you wanted ME.

He said we could still go out to dinner together but he didn't think I wanted to. I said I couldn't, I just couldn't do it anymore and especially not as friends; my heart has just been broken too many times.

He went silent and refused to answer so I think he was upset. Then I went offline.

That is it. I think it's over this time as I can't imagine him fighting for me.

Exhausted, and going to go to bed now.

Jo - too numb to be heart broken.