I have begged H to wash my back, over and over.....
So once, since it was Sunday and he just woke from a mid day nap, he went into the master bath (showerstall) and then said "hello" and went down stairs. He said, "hello" as he was on the stairwell.
Well, I can't beg anymore, he doesnt appreciate touch and I even think this is an uncomfortable sacrifice for him. I have "shut down" and not writhed and slithered under the soapsuds. Just happy for a cleanly scrubbed back for he objects to me acting as I've gotten turned on in the least.
S0---I bark at him, "You NEVER have to wash my back again!" Actually there was some truth to that. The defeat hurt as much as trying to get him to come to bed. I lessened things just to a bit of touch and got so frustrated that he couldn't muster that. But, this was a challenge ATTENTION this is a challenge! He was suposed to remember it this well so that he could rise to the challenge some time in the future. Its been 6 months. He seems relieved that the last "obligation" of the marriage has been satisfied/removed from him.
DAMN!
(yes, I'm recently out of the tub, gardening most of the day and it started to rain, it was a relaxing moment when nothing was scheduled and how I was reminded that he would not address the situation. I had a new bottle of shampoo, climbing the stairs to the tub when he says he's going to go to the basement and glue a plastic tub, hopefully it will save it from running.
Talk about the 5 LL's! Can you say service? I asked him to repair the tub. It's not personal. There is no chance for interaction.
I'm dying in an emotional sence.
So, anyhow, when a gal says not to do something ever, it may be a challenge, it may be an ultimatum too, like never drink again, but it may be a challenge....damn.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
W 54 enjoyed "teasing" and bed play, H 67previously married I had been thankful that HW1 freed him for me, M26yr, D,M 23.
Things I've learned in the last 2 years. He has no liking for any touch. I've rubbed his back with oils and such for about 45 min, (I have no idea how a professional massuse can maintain massage for as long as they do!) And he stood up and dressed without even so much as eye contact and a "thanks". I now know his sexual response is once a month is enough,(that was when he was 20 and he had read that somewhere) He is now ED, be it cold water due to a plane accident, alcohol or smoking...who knows but ED. His response to my question "And in your mind, what was I suposed to be doing as you were wallowing in your manly discomfort" was "I dunno, I never thought about it."
I have finally gotten over the "It's my fault, as I am aging and not fetching enough". I have finally stopped taking the blame and am trying to come to grips with it will never happen again.....
I pushed him into "attentions" which were hard, driven, like a porn film. I have begged him to lay with me while watching TV on the pull-out sofa. It feels restful to have him there "watching, guarding" like having an outlook and you can sleep deeper. Those were out "dates" 2 weeks in a row. That stopped too.
.....
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: I have finally gotten over the "It's my fault, as I am aging and not fetching enough". I have finally stopped taking the blame and am trying to come to grips with it will never happen again.....
That's right. It is not your fault. The end of that statement though is very defeatist sounding and that's when you get into dangerous territory. You don't sound happy at all with the thought of just giving up so why even consider that option? You deserve more out of your M. Keep the bar set high. If you lower it, your H will assume things are ok. "Well, she hasn't complained so she must be content." More likely, you would just be emotionally checked out of the M. You sound far from that at this point. No real words of advise, just keep plugging away.
Well, I'm the MARTIAN, LostGal, and I'm with you! That was an insensitive thing for him to have done.
I have a similar sitch in my HH . . . in order to go out in the sun, I need to put sunscreen on. Unlike my less melanin-challenged wife who is Italian, us glacial European types burn very easy, and I also have a sun allergy that I inherited from my father. (I can tan, but I have to be careful how I do it, and HAVE to use sunscreen).
Well, for years, my W has complained when I ask her "Will you please put some lotion on my back?" I do my own face, arms, neck, legs; all I ask is for her help in doing my shoulder blades that I cannot reach.
All I've ever gotten is "Ewww, that makes my hands all greasy," and "Now I have to wash my hands" after she's done, or just simply eye-rolls.
Well, I finally stopped asking. Intead, I stand before the bathroom mirror, like a bad circus contortionist, and eventually spread sunscreen over maybe 90% of my back. This is physically painful to try to do.
She's never asked why I suddenly don't need her help, and I honestly don't know what she thinks. I was HOPING she'd ask me, so I could say "You've made it clear that you hate to do that, so I do the best I can myself to reach most of it" . . . but she never asks.
I had written this in response to HP. But it is so negative and she seems to be progressing well with her "problem". This board is suposed to encourage marriage. I wonder if that is always the best, even when there is no abuse/neglect. Or is some of our lack of attentions really neglect. I do know some just cant show physical affection. How the hell they were able to prior to marriage, I dunno...
edited from HP's thread--
HP and others...
23.5 hrs a day you have the greatest spouses! Me too! That logic worked for 20 years. MrHP is trying more than some I know. It may end up being "goodenough" to hold things together.
I measured the list of good traits against the list of bad. The good traits won. If it was just a lusty longing, I really dont think it would have lasted even this long. Yet, not to be desired physically HURTS!
HP, does MrHP show the love thru the 5 LL's such that you can accept it, or, is it like me that no matter how much H douts over me, getting coffee and such, I'm reacting as this is a Jeeves type and not manly. The more I learn, the more I should have seperated years ago, at this age tho, maybe the Jeeves is better later in life. (of course, I believe life will not last as long in this strained environment)...
Weigh and ballance your plus and minus list well.
(I wish I had seen this board 20 years ago. I would have taken a different path, but thats me.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
