Went to the C solo today for the first time.I think I am more confused now then I was before I walked in the door. I was able to talk about some things that I could not with H present. His whole fantasy into reality thing came out. It was something I just needed to say. I did not understand why he acted on that the way he did. C could not either other than it was possible that since he felt he could not satisfy me sexually that it would be something he wanted to see happen for me. I just did not like the way he decided to have that take place. C also said that considering our issues right now that would actually only add to them.
Since we have already met with C 3 times prior at least some background was there. C told me that they felt given my H background that my h does not feel that he deserves the happiness. My H had a very rocky life prior to me meeting him. Never knew his father had to grow up quickly etc... Bad short term relationships in his past. Then all of a sudden he meets me and turns his world around and bring him into mine. Stable. I am a strong woman with direction in my life. I come from a very family oriented family. Parents married 45 years, the whole deal. C said when he finally got what he was looking for his whole life, he does not feel like he deserves to be happy. So since nothing was going wrong he decides to create turmoil in his life, and mine.
I am confused at that. Even though C is right that H has had a very unstable background, why would that make him desire that once he is in a stable relationship. C said due to the fact that at every session H professes his love for me and how lucky he has been just to have me in his life, then saying what he says and acting the way he does, says that he is feeling that he does not deserve it. It being happiness. GREAT!! I have a H that is unhappy with just being happy! I keep thinking maybe if I just make him miserable everything will be okay?!
I am so tired of this. I know C said that I am the only one who can determine how much of the rollercoaster I want to ride. I guess I am hopelessly (or hopefully) along for the ride. Somedays I wish so much that life would just be normal. At this point I do not really know what normal looks like anymore. I guess it is just a path I have to take. My choice. I could just say fine, leave. You can not figure out who you are and what you want now. But no, I have to love this man. I have to ride along with him. My choice. God I am so just venting.
The more I think about it the more I think about it. I am tired of thinking right now. Nothing makes sense to me. Best time to stop thinking is when knowing it is not helping. I think I am just going to go downstairs and be happy. Sure beats the way I really feel. It is not a good feeling to know that basically there is not a damn thing I can do at this point. Just wait. Just go on with me and my life and hope that H figures his out before WE can move on. It has been a long year 1/2. Well I guess there is nothing else going on, I may as well see the ride through and see how it finally does end right? Okay.. done whith my rant. May not make any sense. Sorry.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
