Deep breath...So tonight we go to our MC. It has been 2 weeks and seems like longer. I decide to just lay it on the table about how I really feel. The fact that I feel that H is only here so he can walk away with a clear conscience saying he tried. I guess coming home, not leaving equates to trying. So he he says the only thing he is trying to do is decide whether to stay or go. Still says it has nothing to do with me, however that is a smack since I am right there in the middle of his turmoil. He says he is a logical thinker and I am an emotional thinker. He does not like to deal with emotions. At that point I chose to ask him how logical was his whole fantasy into reality thing.Wrong choice I guess because he went nuts, said if I said one more word about it he would get up, walk out and everything was over. I came back with the fact that in prior sessions he had shared things about me that I am less than proud of, but I owned up to them. Attempting suicide is not something I am proud of and was embarrassed when he brought that up. But I came clean with my feelings about that. Once again he states if I continue Its over. so I say nothing else. The C pressed H a bit about the fantasy I mentioned. She has no idea what happened or what it invoves. I only mentioned the word. H shuts down and refuses to say anything about it. I say nothing more because I feel that his reation to this is not benefiting anyone. I suggest to C that perhaps we need individual sessions vs. couples sessions. There are things I can not say in front of him that I guess I do need to say and I feel he is struggling with his own demons. I just think he needs to work out his personal issues that have nothing to do with our R before we can even begin to make any progress with our M. I keep working and trying, but it feels like a lost cause and a waste of energy since I am the only one. I am tired of hearing that I was the perfect wife, mother, lover. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I'll end up blaming myself anyway so what is the point in saying that? He says that this has nothing to do with me. So what am I? The innocent bystander? It is just something he is going through. I feel like sh*t and am really beginning to resent this whole sitch. It feels like if and when he decides we will be okay, he will let me know. And in the mean time what the hell am I supposed to do while he figures what it is he wants? One day he wants to stay, the next he wants to go. He says he tries not to even think about our M. It makes it easier for him to deal with.
I keep asking myself why I even love him like I do. I am sure everyone else who reads my posts probably wonders the same thing. Great, we are in the same boat. I am really struggling with that myself and some days I think I am just here to learn how not to love him. It is like every day he takes a bite out of my feelings for him. By the time he figures out what he wants, I am not sure what is going to be left. Treading water. No land in sight and my legs are tired. Sometime I think about what will happen if I just stop treading. No more pain, no more wondering, no more worrying. No more anything.
Can you get dehydrated from crying too much? LOL how I can even find any humor about how I feel right now is beyond me. I guess that is what keeps me sane. I keep hoping my life is a new reality TV series and someone forgot to tell me. Sorry if you can not make sense of my vent. I am all cried out and so very tired. Got to go to work in a few hours so I guess off I go to toss and turn again.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
