Well I can not post on my original thread so I guess I have to start a new one. bf I understand what you said. I do know that it is not something that will change or be fixed immediately. I am also not looking for false hope, guess I am just looking for hope. It was an early night for me last night. Friends daughter ill. I still went out and had a couple of beers with friends. But then the conversation turned toward us and I just was not really in the mood to talk about it so I came home. Tonight not really much better I guess. It is this late and I am still up. Just clearing my head I guess. Even though we are still getting some of the after effects of the hurricane I still can not seem to be able to sleep right now. Soon I am sure. Still wondering if I am even doing the right thing.Maybe I should just detach and say bye. When you figure it out come and see me. Maybe I will still be here...or not. I hate feeling like I am fighting for a lost cause. Well next therapist appt. is on Mon. It has been 2 weeks since the last since they were out of town. I do not even know what to say at this point.
Last edited by my_rollercoaster_ride; 09/25/0505:01 AM.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
How is your H treating you right now. Minus the fantasy has there been any changes in your sitch? Have you resolved anything in your 15 minute talks? Maybe as you think about things you could list them so you go into your meeting with some clear ideas of what you would like to address. Hope today is better for you
I feel like I am living with my brother right now. He is still here and so am I. We watch TV make a little bit of small talk. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that the only reason he is here is because of me. He does not want to hurt me by leaving, like that has not already happened. He still has the apartment and I know he goes there. May as well he payed for it. He comes home at night to play H and pretend we are trying to work on our M, but then I ask myself is he trying to work on our R because thats what he wants ar just so later he can say that he tried and it did not work. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one trying to improve our R. He is just an unwilling participant so that when he does walk away he will have a clear conscience. I guess I am afraid to say that to him or the counselor, because part of me is afraid that is actually the truth. If I am the one who says it, it will become a reality and that is not what I want. I know... Why would I want to live in a lie. Why should I love a man that always seems to have one eye on the front door. That is why I say sometimes I think as hard as it would be I should just let him do that. Leave, go find himself and his lost immortality that I took away from him. And then pray that he will figure it out and then maybe we can work on us. While he continues to struggle with his own demons, I am just here wanting to do what we can to improve our R. That does not seem to be a big priority for him most days. We have different priorities.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Has he ever expressed to you that he needs were not being met? What are they? Have you made any attempts at being a better wife to him, in the way he has requested?
I guess I'm not understanding why he wants to leave so bad. And why you are so desperate to prevent him from doing that, and yet so darned unhappy that things are the way they are.
Is he not giving you a fair chance to right the wrongs of the M, and just saying, Either sleep with another man or we're calling it quits?
I'm with everyone else. Something is not right here. I don't understand why he wants out and why you want him to stay so bad.
Quote: I guess I am afraid to say that to him or the counselor
For the amount of money you (or your insurer) pays to a counselor, you MUST tell them the truth. If you tell no one else in the world the truth, tell your therapist. If you don't feel you can quite tell all with your H in the room, then go to the therapist alone.
There are definitely some things here that are confusing. You said in your original post that you were very private and had a hard time opening up, even here. This board is 100% anonymous, so you can say anything you want to here. All of us have been in icky situations.
You said you and H had good wild sex for years until he hit the midlife wall, rented an apt, bought a Mercedes, and wanted to share you with another man.
But he has never lived in the apartment? Is that right? I'm gathering finances are not an issue. Is he spending money like it's going out of style and this alarms you?
I hear you becoming overwhelmed with the sitch and just wanting to throw your hands up-- anything to avoid feeling this bad. Unfortunately, the only way out of this is through it. I think it might do you worlds of good to see the counselor on your own for a while if only so you can get all of your feelings out on the table where you can see them.
Did some actual EVENT precipitate the apartment renting and the Mercedes buying... did he meet someone? get a disturbing medical diagnosis? have a close family member pass away?
We hear your frustration and confusion... see if you can work in some concrete specifics. It's hard to picture that he would suggest a threesome out of the clear blue sky and decide to up and leave because you won't do this one thing.
I gave the details of this in my other thread, but I will give you a brief summary. The whole fantasy thing did not come into play until we started counseling. Obviously there were issues since we were in counseling. My H has been in, as decribed by therapist, a MLC. This has been going on for well over a year. We have not ever had a lot of arguments about much of anything. In the words of my husband during one of our sessions, We reached all our goals. Kids grew up to be great young men, successful careers, got the dream house etc... Now what.His thoughts about all of the things he missed from youth and the other road. He wants time and space and says he is unsure of what he wants anymore. Says he still loves me and does not want to hurt me, just not "in" love. We just have started going to counseling this past month after he rented an apartment and left. He was gone for about a week and came back saying he was sorry and wanted to try to work on our R. Found the counselor that we are now seeing. I realize that changes do not happen over night. Nor do I expect them to. Effort yes. I guess I do expect that. Sometimes I just feel like he is going more through the motions to say he tried. Those are my words and my feelings. I could be completely wrong. I analize everything. I know I should probably throw it out there on the table and just say that this is how I am feeling and probably will in our session tomorrow. I guess I do know the answer to my own question, I just wonder if I am strong enough to deal with the answer right now. These damned emotions of mine get the best of me sometimes. I seem to be my own worse enemy. Why does he want out? He says he does not even know. Somedays he does and others he does'nt. Why do I want him so bad? Because I truly do love him. Good bad and ugly. I still love him very deeply. I don't have any wrongs to make right. I have a relationship that is broken right now. I am sure there are mistakes, but no affairs or abuse in any way. May be if he would give me something that he needs to make me a better wife, but says I am the perfect wife and mother. That he just is not sure of himself. I can't fix or change that can I? I have given him more space and time alone. I have listened to him more and talked less. Tried to not wear my emotions on my sleeves. I try to not push any issues that he seems unwilling to talk about. I did however put an end to the whole fantasy into a reality thing. I am unwilling to go there and not at all comfortable with acting that out. It has not been brought up again.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Quote: My H has been in, as decribed by therapist, a MLC. This has been going on for well over a year. We have not ever had a lot of arguments about much of anything. In the words of my husband during one of our sessions, We reached all our goals. Kids grew up to be great young men, successful careers, got the dream house etc... Now what.His thoughts about all of the things he missed from youth and the other road.
This seems to happen a lot to M's when the couple reaches a certain age and goals are attained. I think my H had somewhat of an early MLC himself. He also went off and got the apartment and wanted to be "independent" for a while. Your H stated he misses his youth. I think he probably also just wants what he doesn't have. That is human nature, grass is always greener... Some people manage to deal with this crisis better than others. But I think we all want what we don't have at one time or another. Some people just fantasize about it, others feel like they have to live it out. Unfortunately, other lives are hurt in the process. Your H shared with you a very intimate sexual fantasy, to have you be with another man. Everyone has there own ideas of what is erotic so I'm not going to judge whether or not that is good/bad for your M. The point is you do not agree with him on this fantasy and you made that clear. Good boundary control. What are some things you could offer instead to show him that you are willing to make changes to your M and your sexual life together? If he feels comfortable that you are willing to try new things he may be less inclined to escape the M overall. It's never just about sex. You are in MC so I'm sure you are aware of the issues in your own M. Also, I hate to say this, but there is really nothing you can do to change HIM at this point. He needs to take the journey on his own. My H and I wasted 4 months in MC because he was not engaged in the process. He was determined to do what he wanted to do and until HE made the CHOICE to come back to us, I had to GET A LIFE. That is what you should be doing now. I know it is hard but asking "Why does he want out?" will drive you INSANE. He sees the M differently than you do and until you start to see it in a SIMILAR way, progress will be very slow. Hang in there.
What kind of activitys does your H enjoy and activatly do? Golf,bowl,fish anything? Does he have male friends to do things with. Sounds to me like he is bored. Unfufilled not just in your R but in life. Heck it may not really have much to do with your R it may just be a overflow effect from his mounting boredom. Sounds like you have achieved most things people spend a large amount of time trying to get to. I can only imagine it creates a let down feeling. Maybe now would be a good time to set new goals to work towards achieving. Honey I want to get to a place where we can do a Eurotrip for a month. Would'nt it be nice to have a small place in the mountains or beach so when we have grandkids we can have great experiences with them. You know something to look forward to like that dream home, Putting your kids through college ect that you have already achieved.
Maybe now is not a good time to start this or maybe while you are sitting on the couch one day staring at a TV is the best time. Maybe it will help maybe it won't. Just thought I would share my thoughts
Yes, you absolutely should throw those feelings out on the table. You have a right to them, you have a right to voice them...and IMPO he needs to hear that right now you feel he's just "going through the motions", even if you don't ALWAYS feel that way.
However...I do feel you need to bring up those issues he's not willing to talk about in your C-sessions. As I told my H one time..."it's often those things you don't want to talk about that are the key to the problem." If there's something he's not wanting to talk about, or is refusing to talk about them...why won't he talk about them? I konw you've probably asked yourself that same question, so ask it in the C's office.
You are going to the C for a reason, and paying dearly for it, don't hold back in there. I found w/my H when I stopped holding back what I was thinking/feeling we started to make real progress. Sometimes I let things out in the C's office because I felt safer there, I felt he was less likely to misunderstand me, and then the also the C knew there was more there than my H would talk about. She has the tools to get him to talk more easily than I could...perhaps your C does too, you just have to bring the things up.
Threw it out on the table. Knew I did not want to know the answer. The one time in my life I did not want to be right. I am going to go have a good cry and beat myself up emotionally because I know I will. I'll be back in a little while after I can make sense of anything. Right now nothing to me makes sense. Nothing. I am so emotionally spent right now. Not handling any of this too well right now. I am sure I will need to vent in a couple of hours after I get a grip. God for my own sanity I have to figure this out.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
