I feel like I am living with my brother right now. He is still here and so am I. We watch TV make a little bit of small talk. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that the only reason he is here is because of me. He does not want to hurt me by leaving, like that has not already happened. He still has the apartment and I know he goes there. May as well he payed for it. He comes home at night to play H and pretend we are trying to work on our M, but then I ask myself is he trying to work on our R because thats what he wants ar just so later he can say that he tried and it did not work. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one trying to improve our R. He is just an unwilling participant so that when he does walk away he will have a clear conscience. I guess I am afraid to say that to him or the counselor, because part of me is afraid that is actually the truth. If I am the one who says it, it will become a reality and that is not what I want. I know... Why would I want to live in a lie. Why should I love a man that always seems to have one eye on the front door. That is why I say sometimes I think as hard as it would be I should just let him do that. Leave, go find himself and his lost immortality that I took away from him. And then pray that he will figure it out and then maybe we can work on us. While he continues to struggle with his own demons, I am just here wanting to do what we can to improve our R. That does not seem to be a big priority for him most days. We have different priorities.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
