Your affair and Glob's aren't similar. Your husband had abandoned you and the marriage. I believe I recall you saying that you had mutually agreed that you both could see other people. That's puts you at a different starting point. Glob and his wife didn't have such an understanding.
Dr. Shirley Glass (author of "Not Just Friends") answered the following in an interview.
"Dr. G.: After an affair, I do not ask the question you would expect. The spouse always wants to know about "him or her". "What did you see in her that you didn’t see in me?" Or, "what did you like about him better?" One man asked, "was it that he had a bigger penis?" I always ask about "you": "What did you like about yourself in that other relationship?" How were you different? And, of the way that you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?
Q: That’s a surprising question. How did you come to know that’s the question to ask? Dr. G.: There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person’s eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a nice rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a make-up mirror; it magnifies all your wrinkles and pores, every little flaw. When someone loves you despite the fact that they can see all your flaws, that is a reality-based love. In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn’t sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive. "
End quote.
One of the things that stood out to me in the above is the "When someone loves you despite the fact that they can see all your flaws, that is reality-based love."
She goes on to say:
"Q: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships? Dr. G. Only 10 percent of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that make it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two—disillusionment. Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it is too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much. "
End Quote:
So, for all the rosy feelings engendered during the affair period, the *truth* is that the same affair partner who made you feel like a million bucks, in just a short amount of time, is just another destroyed partner in an expired relationship where the warm fuzzies have melted away.
