Quote: I just feel like it’s part of my job as a husband, as a father, and as a man, to provide for my family and to do whatever I can to make them happy and safe. I’ve always felt that it was my job to provide for them – and that includes the aforementioned happy and safe. I’ve always felt that their happiness came before mine. Some of it is religious too. I’m probably misapplying it, but there is a lot in Christian teaching about being a servant, having a servant’s heart, dieing to self, and things of that nature. So somewhere along the way, I’ve absorbed the belief that putting others before myself is the right thing to do and makes me a better person – not to mention that it pleases God. But I don’t want to get into a theological discussion here (especially without MrHP), I’m just trying to help all of you understand where I’m coming from.
Bube, think through the Gospels. Read about Jesus. See how much emphasis he spent on making people "safe and happy".
This does not however, translate to "I can be an a$$hole."
In your case, dying to self, might just be having to jack up your loincloth and confront the ongoing childish, belligerant, damaging behaviors in which your wife occasionally engages.
What you think is dying to self, is actually strengthening self - because your self is given toward conflict avoiding and enabling. Sure you pay a price, but it evidently isn't as high a price as would be exacted by actually addressing your own acknowleged tendencies.
Do you see what I am saying? You want your wife to change some of her core issues, while refusing to address your own. Even worse, (and I understand, I walk this same path) you have managed to trick them out in religious garb which makes them even more difficult to deal with.
What if the very thing your wife needs is for ZB to start plowing his own field, and planting something other than the flowers of conflict avoidance and veggies of martydom?
Martyrdom is what comes *naturally* to you - pushing through it to being the person who *stands up and speaks out* to the damaging behaviors in your household would be more indicative of "dying to self."
