ZBube, lemme mess with your head a bit... or should I say, lemme mess with your head some more?
The idea of putting others' needs before your own and being a servant is a good one. I know about the (supposedly) theological basis behind it. After all, isn't the Pope called "the servant of the servants of God"? (Note question mark outside the quotes. )
But maybe you haven't thought about it deeply enough. What about the commandment to "love your neighgor as yourself"? This implies that loving yourself is not only a good thing, but the standard by which you should measure your love of others.
However, I think the bottom line is this: the test of whether you are truly a loving servant and whether you are truly putting others' needs before your own in a healthy way and in the way that God intended (if I may be so bold as to speculate on God's intentions) is whether the way you are doing it brings you joy. That is the acid test.
Look at the people we consider truly holy, truly servants in this sense... Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, even the late Pope John Paul II before his decline in health. These people radiated joy. They put others' needs before their own and this act brought them immense joy.
Your sacrifice has not brought you joy. You feel imprisoned in a suit of armor called "duty."
As the man of the family who is committed to your family's emotional and physical welfare, consider the possibility that you would be fulfilling your "duty" on a higher plane if you stepped out front and led your W to a place of greater connection and intimacy? And if that means taking her outside her comfort zone, then that's what needs to happen.
If the flood waters were rising, wouldn't it be your duty to lead her to higher ground before you both drown? Well aren't you being engulfed in the floodwaters of resentment, apathy, and isolation right now? Are you fulfilling your duty to turn your head and let the water keep rising while taking no action to save the two of you?
I think a prayerful and introspective look at what your duties are as a husband, father, and spiritual leader of your family might lead you to a new set of conclusions. You're not responsible for your W's choices to follow you or not to a place of greater connection. But you are responsible for YOUR leadership of the family.
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