Fourth grade housekeeping - I like that. And sadly, I think you're right. It's just like playing house: "I'll be the mommy, you’ll be the daddy, and Spot will be our baby." And the R seems to be stuck at that level.
W is happy and safe in the fourth grade version of marriage. The problem, at least for me, is that I'm fighting with diametrically opposed goals of my own. On the one hand, I want a real adult M. On the other, I want W to feel safe and happy. So I want things to change, but I don’t want to rock the boat and put W into the “crucible”. I know that things will never change if I don’t make W uncomfortable, but it’s tough for me to do that. Part of it is the conflict avoidance that I’ve repeatedly admitted to, but that’s not all of it. Another issue is changing something in myself that’s been akin to a core belief. I don’t really know how to put it into words, but that’s typically been the case when I get to something important for me to change. It’s just some kind of assumption that I’ve never really examined or questioned. When I can’t explain something I feel, it’s usually because I’ve never really thought about it.
I just feel like it’s part of my job as a husband, as a father, and as a man, to provide for my family and to do whatever I can to make them happy and safe. I’ve always felt that it was my job to provide for them – and that includes the aforementioned happy and safe. I’ve always felt that their happiness came before mine. Some of it is religious too. I’m probably misapplying it, but there is a lot in Christian teaching about being a servant, having a servant’s heart, dieing to self, and things of that nature. So somewhere along the way, I’ve absorbed the belief that putting others before myself is the right thing to do and makes me a better person – not to mention that it pleases God. But I don’t want to get into a theological discussion here (especially without MrHP), I’m just trying to help all of you understand where I’m coming from.
If you’ll remember, this same thing had a lot to do with coming back to W after we were divorced. I was happy and fulfilled with OW, but I had this nagging guilt over what was “right”. What I wanted was sacrificed for what was best for my daughter and for the duty I had to W and to God. So when you put it out there on the table and roll it around, I guess I wanted to do what was right more than I wanted to do what made me happy. That’s part of my struggle even now. I would be much happier if things in my M would change, but I feel that it’s “right” to put the needs and desires of others (W’s) before my own.
