IHJ and I differ on this one.....IMPO...Yes, it would still be avoiding. Just from the outsiders perspective...you are looking for reasons NOT to confront her. The C would be a great thing for you, but IMPO she's probably the one who needs the C more than you do....so how about a compromise, a couples counselor? Someone who can see each of you separately every now and then, but then bring you together for sessions too....that's how my H and I got started with this C and it's working really well.
The list I suggested you to write, would help you illustrate the point that counseling is necessary.
Now about her liking animals over people comment, I used to say that all the time, and meant it....why? Animals never intentionally hurt you, they never really ask anything of you other than being cared for, and they are always there for you when you need comfort.
If your W grew up in a household like she did, whether or not she was truly abused is pretty much irrelevant, she believes she was so in her mind...she was. If her sister and mom were the way they were, that certainly can tear someone down too and send them deep into a shell. It's very easy to say "she's an adult now....it's high time she put it behind her" but it's not that simple. I could also say the same thing to you about confronting your W But for you confronting her is simply not that easy either, yet you are an adult...should be able to do this, but it's simply not that easy huh? Dontchya just love honesty? LOL
Zbube, my mom was raised in a house that kind of sounds similar to what your W lived with, minus the brother. Her older sister was the obvious favorite, was showered with gifts, got to do everything...mom was left out in the cold, never got to do anything (because the money was spent on her sis), never got anything new, and was never encouraged or told how pretty/smart etc she was. My mom is now a PAINFULLY shy person. It would be easy for me to say...your an adult just deal with it, but that's years of conditioning that wormed it's way into her brain telling her she's not good enough.
It seems to me your W may be in a similar boat. The more I'm hearing the more I'm thinking:
#1 You definitely need to confront her (calmly & unprovoked) about your M.
#2 You both need counseling, separately & as a couple.
This can be worked through, but you won't be able to avoid the conflict.
But for you confronting her is simply not that easy either, yet you are an adult...should be able to do this, but it's simply not that easy huh? 