I like the idea of writing out some of my grievances as talking points. While I can’t be absolutely certain, if past performance is any indicator, W won’t talk at all once I start this convo. When that happens, I tend to lose my focus: just what you said about rambling and not making any sense. When I say something and get no response at all, I tend to either try to restate it, expand on it, explain it, or sometimes even back off and try to soften it a bit. Although I have ample evidence that it’s not the case, I still operate as though the reason she isn’t responding is that she didn’t completely understand what I was saying, or she is too stunned to respond. So I usually end up in some long-winded dissertation where I explain every nuance from three or four directions. Bullets might keep me more on track.
HP,
I don’t know whether to try the bulleted convo or go with a letter. I would really prefer to talk, but like I said to GEL, it’s more soliloquy than convo, and I tend to ramble when that happens. The beauty of a letter is that I can order my thoughts, put them down, and edit them as necessary. Assuming she actually reads the letter, it also means that she gets the whole picture without any danger of me wimping out. I can’t chicken out somewhere in the middle. Then again, when I’ve written her letters in the past, she’s never commented on what I said or made any visible reaction. I’ve waited for days before finally asking her if she even read them. I know I told you this before. I asked if she read the letter, and when she said she had, I asked if she had any response. Her answer was, “I didn’t think it called for a response.” Can you hear the sigh and see me shaking my head while I write this?
IHJ,
Blowing up makes me feel better, but if such a thing is even possible, I think the blow-ups have even less effect on W than the letters or lectures. I always include the disclaimer that I‘m well aware that I can’t know what W is thinking, and it applies here as well – but I think she perceives the blow-up as not being serious. I blow up, the pressure is relieved and I feel better. W sees that I feel better and writes it off. After all, ZB is “better” now. He’s over it.
Lil,
Quote: It's interesting that in your desire to be "peers" with your W, you have in effect, made yourself her subordinate. By not asserting yourself, you've made her the boss.
Very interesting and quite true. And thanks for you H and BF anecdotes. They do give me a different perspective.
