Good brainstorming, but wrong conclusion. I think you were on the right track, but never quite made it. As I said, the difference at work is that it’s just business – part of my job. The people who report to me expect me to make decisions, settle conflicts, assign work, etc. It’s a hierarchical setup where they report to me and I report to my boss. It’s my job to make some decisions just as it’s my job to pass some of them up or down as the case may be. Sure, if I’m any good at it there’s an element of team building involved, but the fact is that my boss is my boss. He has the final say. Likewise, I’m the boss of the people who report to me.
My M is different, or at least I look at it differently. I don’t want a W who reports to me. I don’t want a hierarchical relationship. I want us to be a team. I don’t want to be the boss – I want an equal partnership. So when conflict arises, I always question why my opinion should matter more than hers. W apparently doesn’t ask the same question of herself though. The inequity is clear when I write it out, but nonetheless, that’s the thinking behind the current dynamic. In the context of the M, I don’t feel that my POV has any more value than does hers, so I’m reluctant to push mine.
GEL, thanks for the encouragement. I really feel like I’m getting close, but my give a damn’s not quite busted yet. It’s getting close though. The last few days have been really tense and miserable at home. W knows that something is wrong, but I haven’t said anything yet. Another truth that I haven’t voiced here is that I’m afraid of myself. I’ve held in so much for so long that I’m afraid that letting it out will be akin to letting the air out of a balloon through a tiny little pinprick. And I’m sure you know how the pinprick affects an inflated balloon.
Just for the record, I did see the new arrivals last night. The official count is now twelve dogs and eleven cats.
