I know it's personal at home and not at work, but in what ways? It's not a given that a person will be clearheaded and decisive at work and wishy-washy at home. Your reasons are yours alone.

For example, some people are strong at home and indecisive wussies at work because they want their colleagues to like them and they don't want to feel like people are saying behind their backs that they are mean. They figure the people at home have to put up with their cr@p, so they don't bother being civil to them.

Our choir director at school is like this. She cannot keep control of this class of college students. She doesn't want to be "mean." She even is apologetic about asking all of us to look at her while she is conducting for fear we will think she is self-centered. As a musician, you know it is imperative for everyone to look at the conductor! But she is timid about this. OTOH she just got out of a very abusive marriage and finally kicked her alcoholic husband to the curb. See what I mean? She's a tower of strength at home WHERE IT'S PERSONAL and a weakling at school where it's not.

You are able to be firm and decisive at work. Don't you worry about your colleagues thinking you're mean and domineering? That you're drunk on power and love to tell people what to do? Don't you worry that around the water cooler they're saying, "Boy, that ZBube is a real b*st*ard with some kind of Napoleon complex." You say they DON'T say those things about you? They admire and respect your decisiveness? Because you're competent at what you do and command respect? I believe that about you 100 percent!

But at home that decisiveness doesn't work. I mean you've already divorced and remarried the woman. Your C called her a vindictive b*tch... you say this has been pretty much a cold marriage for 30 years... what more can happen? What is the scariest thing about conflict at home?

Ah....<light bulb> is it that YOU don't want to be the mean, vindictive person? You want her to keep that title? If you step up and say how the cow ate the cabbage then, conversely and I guess perversely you'll have sunk to her level? You want to stay on the moral high ground by yourself? You want her to be the bad cop so you can be the good cop?

I'm just playing with myself here... ... brainstorming... but do you see what I'm getting at? To say it's "personal" at home and not at work is too gross (as in large and undefined) an answer... I'm interested in a finer (as in "fine print") answer.

I guess this is "ZBube in the Spotlight Day." Or maybe "Pick On ZBube Day."