Why? Because she knows she can get away with it. We teach people how to treat us. She won't change Z_Bube until you change. Fact. There is no way around it.
Gotta pop in here, Z, to tell you that the ladies are correct. You need to strap on a pair of iron ones and tell her that it's you or the animals, and then be prepared to walk.
My W was involved with a dog rescue group and one time, we had 12 of them in the house. We lived in the country and could handle that many, and I participated in the operation. It took so much time and energy. I remember that I was the one who was "in charge" of letting them out the last time before bedtime. I had to keep a mental list of which dogs were safe to let out together, which needed to be leash-walked, etc. I also had to feed them, and many required medications, special food, etc. I was commuting at the time, so I was only at the house on weekends, so she would look to me to "give her a break" and basically take over operations. They were sweet dogs, don't get me wrong. But, in retrospect, it was something that I did only for her. We stopped doing rescue when we adopted our daughter.
I remember especially how upset I used to get when, after feeding them all day, and then letting them out last thing at night, I'd come back upstairs to find that W had gone to bed. I hated that. And this was during the time when I realized that my marriage with her was getting more and more sexless. I felt like I was making all these sacrifices to try to appear loving and attractive to her. But it didn't change my situation. I ended up feeling used.
She tried to bring a dog or two into our current house, and I was at the point where I said, "fine, but I am not going to feed or potty or let it out." I stood my ground and she ended up getting the dog adopted out quickly. She was p.o.'d for a few days, but it was worth it. Now, she doesn't even ask me if I'd mind taking a dog in. She knows that it would be without my support, against my wishes and that she'd end up doing all the work.
If you can't overcome your fear and just tell her "no," maybe you need to just get to the point where you just don't care.
I also recite these sayings, depending on the context: 1. I will not participate in you being pissed-off at me. 2. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, so damn well go ahead and do what I want. 3. What's the worst that could happen? 4. Will I be able to look in the mirror tomorrow if I just suck it up today? 5. I've been on my own before. It's not as horrible as I thought it would be. 6. Can I be a better parent away from her? (I said this last one in the context of my 1st marriage. My current marriage has never led me to this question.)
Just some stuff to think about, Z. Make today a better day than yesterday.
Quote: BB read most of ZB animal story and sides with most of the folks here, that Mrs ZB needs to continue in her work with the animals but at a reduced pace and intensity. BB said that she/Nrs ZB, has to choose to be married and have a family, make time for them, and figure why she is avoiding ZB and the kids.
BB suspects Mrs.ZB has some feelings of neglect, ZB does not pay enough attention to her, Mrs ZB's weight problems is one issue she gets so emeshed into the animals, they don't care what you look like as long as they get some food and attention.
I believe most of BB thoughts apply to herBB/Lou's situation more or as much as Mrs. ZB situation.
Z-Bube... I would further add that you have a responsilibity to yourself and to the marriage to speak up and try to restore a healthier balance. When I look back to my LD days, I see I was wrong to get so caught up in work and then kids; in the name of good causes, I avoided my relationship problems. My H tends to prioritize work and house projects...productive ways to shut me out. Your W has been fueled by the hurricane tragedy to do a wonderful thing, but at this ppoint, it's not health. Have you said anything to her about missing the weekly ML? Are you afraid of appearing selfish? Do you think she will mysteriously resume the sex in the same way as before? IMO, it wasn't so mysterious...you were putting pressure on her, as I recall. You have to get back into the game even though she is doing good work and even if you seem selfish to her.
I know that all of you are giving me good advice and I know that all the things you are saying are absolutely true. I especially understand that W treats me with this utter lack of respect only because I let her get away with it. But, GEL, I’m not using my conflict avoiding nature as an excuse; I’m just admitting that I am a conflict avoider and saying that I understand that it is a problem. I’ve been repeating it because I want you to understand that even though I know what needs to be done, it’s very difficult for me to do those things. I’m a conflict avoider by nature and I’ve been in this pattern for the entire 30 years W and I have been together.
Believe me, I do hear what you are saying. What I mean to say when I say you use your conflict avoider nature as an excuse not to do something...is that simply by repeatedly saying you are this way...it makes it easier for you to stay that way....does that make sense?
So...what's your plan to break out of this pattern of avoidance? Do you have one? Have you been trying to form one for a long time? The reason I ask that is...for me, when I avoid conflict...boy does it seem to take me forever to actually come up with a plan...it's procrastination at it's best. I will over-think things, I will think of every possible scenario that could happen (or at least I used to do this) and what I realized one day in the middle of it all was that....I was thinking about solving the problems, but I wasn't really doing diddly squat about them.
I think perhaps using the phrase "excuse" wasn't exactly what I meant.
The only difference at work is that it’s not my personal life. I have no problem making decisions and resolving conflicts because that’s my job – it’s nothing personal.
Quote: for me, when I avoid conflict...boy does it seem to take me forever to actually come up with a plan...it's procrastination at it's best. I will over-think things, I will think of every possible scenario that could happen (or at least I used to do this) and what I realized one day in the middle of it all was that....I was thinking about solving the problems, but I wasn't really doing diddly squat about them.
GEL, that is an absolutely accurate description of me. I plan and think and think and plan. I come up with every possible twist on every possible scenario. But all I do is over-think, I don’t act. And the only reason, other than the fact that I’m a habitual conflict avoider and procrastinator, is just plain, simple fear. Fear of what, I don’t know, but fear just the same.
I may be slow getting there, but I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing that I have nothing to lose. I already have a M that makes me miserable. I already have the personal life of a doormat. I already stay at work too long just to avoid going home. Just how is it going to get worse?
